Live action: Thinking about not thinking

That's the clock on my bedside table and the time. It's early morning Tuesday 29th and here I am, awake and unable to find sleep. It's a common occurrence for me unfortunately and whilst I'm used to it I hate it. Not sleeping through the night has plagued me for many years. I guess I'm no different to many others who suffer the same issue, only that my reasons are my own, somewhat unique to me.

I have dreams most nights, ones that seem very real and quite vivid; Most have dreams I guess, remembered or not, but mine often wake me up; or possibly I should say I wake myself up from them as they can be unpleasant. Once awake, even only slightly, my overactive mind starts thinking and that's pretty much it - I'll be awake for hours. Sometimes that's ok as the dreams maybe not ones I'd like to go back to and sometimes my waking thoughts are just as bad. A lose-lose situation.

Eventually I'll get so tired that I'll fall asleep although that's usually only an hour or two prior to the alarm going off and, well, that sucks right?

Most often when I wake I lay in the dark thinking, and trying not to think. Have you ever tried not to think? It's difficult. I mean, once you know what you're not supposed to be thinking about it's hard not to think about it right? I think about all sorts of stuff, replay things from the past, justify events and actions and even plan new ones, alternative outcomes. I even find resolution at times, rarely absolution though. What's constant is lack of sleep, and that shit stays with me all fucking day. I guess the good thing that comes from broken sleep and nights of sleeplessness is that eventually it mounts up and I get so damned tired I finally sleep through. It's blissful...But tonight is not one of those nights.

I've been laying here for a while now, wide awake, wondering if I should turn the light on and read a little but to be honest I don't feel like it. The dream that woke me was one I've had before and I'm just not in the right mood for reading. I normally don't go on hive at these times, although I have in the past and here I am again. I just typically lay in the dark trying not to think, looking for answers to the the many questions that poo into my noggin and hoping to fall asleep as soon as possible; here I am doing just that wondering why that dream keeps recurring and what it means. I'm not one who knows how to interpret my dreams though, and not one to relate them to others very often for fear of judgement so I'll never know I suppose. Maybe that's for the best?

Sometimes though I'll have great dreams, ones that I try so hard to cling onto. Have you ever had one of those good dreams? If I wake from one I'll do anything to get back to it. Weird how sometimes a dream can seem more real than life itself right? Or maybe I'm just weird for thinking so?

Anyway, I'm rambling.

I'm off to lay awake in the dark and to think about not thinking until I fall asleep. Another typical night. Feel free to drop a comment below, say hello or let me know how y'all find sleep, it might help me out.