Sometimes I wonder what a little version of myself would have been like, how I would have raised that person, the father I wold have been, and how I would have felt watching them grow into an adult with my guidance and support along the way. I'll never know however, it wasn't meant to be.
- galenkp -
As a young man I'd always expected I'd have a son or daughter, just the one would have been sufficient, and it always seemed just around the corner, in the future just ahead...but, as we all know, the future is always just ahead and it's the present in which we live.
In my twenties I didn't feel ready. I was deep into a thing I was doing, very focused and had dedicated my life to that. I was also in a relationship and we were in agreement that we would wait. In my thirties, just after that previous commitment, I shifted into a role and profession that also demanded my full commitment and whilst I felt more ready for children I didn't feel one hundred percent prepared and so time went by with no little g-dog or g-dogette arriving in my life.
Years went by, as they have a habit of doing, and having a child became something that "should have happened in the past rather than something that will happen in the future." (Clearly there's things I'm not saying that are personal here, there's no need to push me on it ok?)
I have also lived a great deal of life and have a wealth of experience, knowledge, skills and wisdom to pass on. That's one of my big disappointments really, that I have no little version of me to impart all of that to; the sum of my own life handed on to help another with their own. I sometimes wonder what my son or daughter would be like and how well I may have done with their upbringing. Of course, I'll never know the answer to that however I believe I would have been a good parent and would have raised a child who had the skills needed to design and create their own life with integrity, ownership and responsibility.
I don't dwell on the situation, that's not my way, and if I'm honest, it's not really too late for me to sire children...I've spent a lifetime practicing how to make a baby after all and keep my practice going regularly of course, however it won't happen, I've made that decision once and for all.
I have a nephew and niece who are young kids and a niece in her mid twenties who is a lovely person; it's them I focus on, the younger ones more keenly of course, as I can help shape their lives to some degree.
The little ones are pretty special little people and probably quite indicative of what my own child might have been like. Many of you who are familiar with my brother 
I'm accepting of the fact that I'll not have kids of my own, I'm ok with it. Does it make me sad sometimes though...yeah it does. It doesn't hurt though, except for a time only this year when someone told me that she's glad I don't have kids as I'd be a terrible father, to be intentionally hurtful. It worked too, that knifed me right in a soft spot she knew I had and she twisted the knife a little too...but generally I'm ok with it, I just cowboy up and get on with life as I know it, and think about those three people, my nieces and nephew, with great love and emotion.
Written for the #weekend-engagement concept: topics post found here.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default; tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind - galenkp
[All original and proudly AI free.]
Any images in this post are my own.
