There's many things about me you'll never know...I'm private in real life and have only shown a glimpse of myself here, albeit it much more than some others. Despite that people draw conclusions, right or wrong, and some are more perceptive than others; It's the same in the real world.
To many I come across as a blunt instrument; None too bright. I've been told as much and I don't mind in the least bit. I am many things and blunt-instrument is one of them, I don't see it as a bad thing, it's just a human thing.
We cannot all be sharp minds; Intelligent and intellectual. No...I'm just a blunt instrument, along with the other things that combine to make me the person people perceive me to be. I'm also many things people will never see because I do not allow it, or they choose not to see it.
Showing weakness and vulnerability has never been something I've liked to do. If someone hurt me physically I'd just stand up and say, is that all you have, with challenge in my voice. I didn't have it in me to admit I was in pain, that that person had gained advantage. Unfortunately that spilled over to the emotional me and that inhibited my early life.
It wasn't until the age of twenty eight that I learned how to say sorry effectively for instance.
I could say it...Sorry. But around that time I realised there's a difference between saying it and meaning it. Not just to the person receiving the apology, but to me also. Fortunately at that age I began to understand myself a little better and that being humble and kind was a great strength, not a display of weakness. It helped me move forward through my life more confidently.
I'm human and I made more mistakes however and to this very day I continue to do so; Today's has filled me with contrition.
I said something that hurt a person greatly, a person who means a great deal to me and, whilst I stand by what I said because it was the truth, I could have made myself clearer - Was it the medium in which the communication occurred? Was it the words? Fear? Doubt? Insecurity? Disappointment? None of that is a factor. The issue is I hurt someone through bluntness and that hurts me in turn.
Can I be honest with you? Don't tell anyone but, I like people to think well of me. I like people to feel they can depend and rely on me, to be consistent and to show up and be the person they need at any given point. It's in my nature. I'm a sheepdog, not a wolf, although I can play the part of the latter with great skill.
Other people aside, I like to know I'm those things...Dependable, strong and supportive, humble, generous, kind, loving...You know. It feels good to know I am those things and I feel hurt inside when it's doubted. Of course I'm many other things besides...There's always darkness where there's light, hate where there's love. I work hard to be the best man I can possibly be...But I fail often, as I did today.
Today wasn't my finest day; It was bright and sunny out side, and there were moments of pure brilliance but today I was a quintessential human being. I made a mistake and it left me feeling flawed, broken and unworthy.
Today I let someone down who means very much to me and whilst I believe a path forward has been established it has left me questioning myself - I'm good at that too; Reflecting on my attitudes and actions. Should I excuse myself? Make excuses? No, and I did not in that communication. I said sorry and learned from it... And will try and apply those lessons moving forward.
I don't know what this post is about - Maybe an attempt at catharsis of sorts or a way to punctuate my own feelings. I use hive to do that a lot.
Maybe it's me pouring the words thoughts out to see them ordered and structured at arms length so I can consider them more effectively. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just admitting to y'all that I'm completely and utterly fallible...I don't know. But then I probably don't have to explain it as it's my post.
Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.
Bruce Lee
Just on another note, whilst I'm being open...Over the last three weeks I have been going undergoing tests for cancer and yesterday all of them came back clear for which I am grateful. It has been a fairly stressful time that I've kept largely to myself and whilst almost none of you knew the exact nature of the tests a select few chose to comment and offer me some words of support. Thank you.
Happy weekend folks, be humble and kind, the alternative is not a good path.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised.
Be well
Discord: galenkp#9209
