Breathe: A café moment

I sway between not being able to remain still and not wanting to move, not being able to move, emotionally. I feel...weighted down by the pressure that starts in my heart and presses down on my chest leaving me feeling pulled downward - as if the entire planets gravitational pull is exerted on me alone. I don't know how to explain it other than to say I feel heavy and like I can't breathe.

There's moments I feel lighter - in which I'm surrounded by thoughts of you; dreams, wishes, hopes, desires and the feeling of being so filled with light that I might burst. I love those moments and when immersed in them feel so close you you, like I could reach out and touch you; be touched. Sometimes I move my hand involuntarily to do so...but you're not there and the weight returns. And again, I can't breathe.

I find myself wishing to fast forward to those moments in which we talk and despising the moments when you don't answer me; which is most of the time. I call out to you and sometimes you even answer, other times not; it drives me crazy. Although, maybe that's what I am. Crazy. I don't know how I manage to function, I'll be honest...mostly I don't want to. I don't know how to live without you. I never know how to breathe.

Awake or asleep I see you. I'm not sure which I prefer as both hold sorrow and joy. I gaze at your image until I fall asleep and yes, it lays beside me on the pillow as I sleep. In dreams I find you but you always leave again - when I wake. Sometimes those dreams replay our last moments and I'm drown downwards into shadow. When awake, those dreams linger and feed my waking-dreams; joyful occasionally, sorrowful too. I call you, sometimes out loud, and you answer, or not. And again, I can't breathe.

Today...I'm not ok. Today I miss you terribly and don't know how to cope. I came to the café, you know the one where we met? I know, I should not torture myself so, but I did. I do. I needed to feel. Something. I needed to see if today you'd answer when I called. I needed to see if being here would somehow help me breathe.

You didn't answer my desperate call. I don't know what to do. No, I actually do...But you made me promise to be steadfast, to live the life we wanted, and that means I cannot do as I wish; I cannot come to you though my heart aches to do so. Today...I no longer want to breathe.

I have to go. The café is closing. The owner just glanced at me, pity on his face and it made me feel wretched, alone and empty. Remember we'd sit here for hours reading, talking and laughing, holding hands sharing special moments, like we were the only people in the world. I'd hoped to find that feeling today and even ordered a coffee in case you decided to drop in. You did not and I feel foolish for doing it now. It sits across from me still, untouched and cold...and I can't breathe.

When you left most of me went with you and I've not been able to find myself again. I've searched for me, have tried to be the person you asked me to continue to be, have those moments of light when you answer me and we talk...But the shadows always return because you always go. Again. I see the candle burning down...and I see the image of you, eyes closed, hand limp in my own...The moment you ceased to breathe.

Before you left you made me promise to stay. You told me you'd wait for me. You told me we would be together again...You told me to endure...But I don't want to continue to breathe.

[A fiction]