Currently I’m at a stage where I just want out of life. It’s too hard. No matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough or taken the wrong way. I feel like I can’t win and am failing at work, home, socially and in myself. I would love to just disappear into nothingness and have absolutely no pressure or judgement from anyone. Of course I know I can’t just give up, I’ve got this far.
It’s just been one of those days where I’ve felt like I’m shit at everything. It all started this morning when my dad brought up my job and that at 33 almost 34, I should have my shit together and have a career by now. He followed that statement up by telling me the public service was hiring and I need to get in there because that’s the only chance I have to be a success career wise. Truth is, I see this as a death sentence and I feel incredibly anxious just thinking about it. To me the idea of working in cubicles surrounded by people like cattle, is worse than being unemployed, I just can’t do it. I know I’m stereotyping things here but I want to be happy and free - the complete opposite of what the public service opitimises in my mind. It’s not for me.
I feel lost. I know I don’t want to be where I am but it’s getting to that next step that I’m trying to figure out. Part of me wants to try something completely new and break free of the corporate, office based world, part of me wants to run away and go live on an island somewhere away from all the shit, and then there is a part of me that is shit scared to change it all, so is happy to accept the mediocrity of my life. That last part is what makes things so confusing because the ‘known’ elements of my life are safe. They may not be amazing or the most exciting but I’m comfortable there - I know I need to get out of this comfort zone I’m in though, or the mediocre life will be mine.
I don’t want a mediocre life though! I have so much in my mind that I want to do but after years of having my ideas squashed by family and friends and being told I’ll never achieve these ideas, stops me in my tracks everytime. Self esteem and self value has always been a huge hurdle for me, things have got better but I find it so hard sometimes to back myself.
I just know there’s more out there for me and it’s this idea that I’m holding onto, which makes me keep going. It would be so much easier to end it all, selfish yes but sadly it’s never not been an option for me in the back of my mind. I’ve worked through so much of my inner shit already just to give up. I’ll get there because I have the small nagging feeling that I can do it.