love is it a real feeling?

Why have i fallen for people thinking that they might be the right one? I keep on asking myself that question quite a bit lately.
I have married twice so that includes two divorces,this last past marriage I had a son who is going to be 9. So that makes it hard,hard not just on me but for him as well. During our relationship she would state that if we were to breakup she would be at home by her self just her and my son and I would think to myself why would anybody speak with a strong doubt in their mind like so.? so I would tell her why are you even thinking like that, so negativitaly we should be focusing on how to stay together not what if we go sour. She would always tell me that she would never be like her cousin Susan who wouldd introduce her kids (daughters)to every Tom,Dick,or Harry so yeah every week her kids knew she was another looser who didn't want their mother but for only one night or till the beer goggles wore off. And I would go along with her and belive that she would'nt do that to my son ,mind you my son is a high functioning autistic child! So that being said you would think that she would stay home and focus on our son who has special needs! Plus my ex-wife aint that much to look at,she has no figure or shape to her body hardly fixes herself up you know make-up and styling her hair you know something to improve what your parents gave you. Look at the pics that are posted.
So here it is and I find an old cell phone of hers and shes showing pics of her breasts to some guys from work telling them that shes been puling the moves on this guy/chasing after him for a year and a 1/2 now (we were still together at this time,atleast thats what I thought). You see in my line of work there is alot of fine looking women that I co work with I'm a registerd dental assistant for the state of California . And yes the girls would flirt with me but I was expecting my son ,my wife was pregnant at the time. And I was focusing on being a successful family man. So my wife thought that I cheating with all these pretty girls from the office which I did get offers but turned them down to the point I would pawn them off to my brother thanx Rudy!
so with the thought of me cheating racing through her little head she started putting herself out there.So as I looked through the phone some more I start seeing pictures of some dudes penis stating that he has an unusual large head on his penis"i'm all wtf"pencil dick mofo. And this guy was a friend of mine during high school so I confronted him on facebook because I live in California and he in Texas.Punk ass ! Then she starts to tell him that she wants to lick his taint and chew on his foreskin which she claims to say that he doesn't have much and he stating its there.You know she telling this guy of all the things she has already done to/with me I mean everything. Explaining to him that she masterbates alot during the day,now that she did shes not lying there.She wouldn't want any help when shes doing that to her self. But to each is to there own.I've jacked off numerous times with her in the room and not asking for assistance.Because whats good for the goose is good for the Gander!
So now shes been going out looking for a man that she could make cum in about 5 minutes so that she can feel more of a woman because she would tell me that she hated that her body wouldn't/couldn't make me as a man climax,gees give me a break sorry for not being a minute man. A quicky with me is like atleast 45 mins.atleast. I would always try to soothe her worry by explaining to her that thats with all women not just her.!! She would go on and on talking about climaxing together at the same time synchronized like the swimmers !! Good luck to you. So since the day I asked her if she was still in LOVE with me ,the day i left my house and having to leave my son(one of the most hardest things I've done in my ife) She started to try and fix herself up ,make-up new clothesbut like my Gma always told me you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Meaning no matter what she tries to dot o herself nothing is going to make her look like shes worth taking another look at. So now I'm starting to resent her more each and every day that comes to pass because now my son keeps on telling me about his new best friends ,so far it's Danny and Harry. I try to explain that they are not your friends they're just some guys your moms going out with. But they spend the night as he calls them sleep overs. So where and how is she not acting or being not like Susan her cousin.She's come out to be a pig just like her cousin who 's nick name is Maneater"Itpisses me offf when like this past 4th of July she came during the fireworks to pick up my son ,who didn't want to go home he wanted to stay with his Dad and hangout to lite fireworks as he told his mom,she saids back we have way more fireworks to lite at the house,just two streets over.But I know that my ex is not one to light fireworks so who in the Hell is going to be trying to fill my shoes those mofo's. Well that day it was Harry "F" Harry and the horse he rode in on. Rhett is my son nobody's elses she is just confusing my son. And God forbid . Nobody better lay a hand on my son ,that one of these clowns starts to hit or abuse her and give the same treatment to my son ,all Hell will break loose. so at the tale end of our relationship she would make remarks about my good friend my Compadre the guy who Baptized our son saying things that hes not a bad looking guy, how tall he was and only if I was as tall as him. So yeah I started to accuse the both of having an affair. Many times I would hit up my friend and ask himif he was missing around wit my wife,he deny it all the time. Everyone in our circle would tell me that he wouldnt do anything like that to me. I have talked so much crap to and about him we were going to get into a fist fight he is6'3 and I'm only 5'7, but I don't give a good fu&%. The only reason why I accused him was back when I first brought her around my circle of friends we were all talking about loosing or popping our cherries our virginity,and someone made a comment about my compadre still being a virgin and needing to get his cherry popped we all laugh and he chuckles saying that he was cool that he didn't need any help in that subject that he lost his virginity along time ago?But low and behold and this is te first time being around my friends ,spoke out and told my compadre if you need help popping your cherry that she would be more than welcomed to helping him out in front of all of us he said naw he was cool and she replied back saying I think it would be fun! so in sarcasim I told them to exchange phone numbers so she could help him out,not meaning it for reals!! So as days go by I hit up my compadre asking him if he ever called her up he said yeah that they chatted on the phone a couple times and he had helped me move her stuff out of her ex's place because you see I was Sancho,I stole her from some old dude that she was living with they bought a house together, they were with each other for 7years untill I got in the picture . And she told me to find help and she would buy lunch and give some cash for the help with the move. Soat the end of the day I hit her up about payig my compadre she said that she get lunch another day and so I said when and where and she came back with when ever she felt like it because she was only going to take my compadre out for luch not me just him and I was like wtf. So I walked her back to her car and I told her about oh popping cherries lending a helping hand to loose my friends virginity how much fun it would be and going out to lunch just the two of them fuck all that she replies well we aren't official you haven't asked me to your girlfriend oh and that makes it okay to hit on my friends I don't think so as a matter of fact i know thats wrong.
And then she would say his name during her sleep moaning and groanig saying yes and his name.As if she was being with him right infront of me but him not being there "as far as I could see" so I really don't know the truth. I hope and I pray that she was just abusing me mentally and its all lies because I got divorced because I didn't want to loose my compadre but in the long run I did!! It's been going on 2 years since my compadre and I spoke like a real true conversation .I wish I could make up and put all of this behind us. I want my friend back screw her. He's more valuable/means more to me than her.I apologize for making accusations Mr.Compadre please forgive my dumb ass and lets be like the old days huh what you say buddy old pal.