Alright!
Here we go- second post on Hive!
I sat on this post idea for a good two days, mulling it over in my head almost every couple of hours; scrolling through Discord, scrolling through Peakd and Hive, avoiding the subject entirely by scrolling through the eternal monotony that is Facebook…. Quickly realizing that mistake scrolling through endless rants from extended family members and going back to Hive and Discord….
I told myself that it wasn’t going to be that hard. I kept saying over and over, “It’s not that hard; you can post whatever you want to; it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks!” And I’d get motivated for a couple of minutes, log back into Hive or Peakd, open my post, and then stare at the screen.
Looking at the screen in front of me, I could see myself reflected in the emptiness of the screen and the words,
-and yet, for some reason, instead of excitement and inspiration, all I felt was anxiety and dread.
I felt like I would have to force myself to write something- that if I didn’t write something- anything- that I was going to be a failure before I could even become anything at all.
My thinking spiraled downwards pretty quickly over the course of those two days.
I kept looking at my introduction post notifications and talking to the people who were so helpful and kind in the Discord chats- taking time out of their day/night to respond to my questions, giving me advice and information, and create a welcoming space for me? All of that only made my feelings of anxiety intensify.
Why are they giving me any help? What if I don’t meet their expectations? What if they realize that I’m a failure who doesn’t know what she’s doing?
It was only for a couple of seconds that I debated whether blogging wouldn’t be for me. Originally I signed up to Hive because I’d heard so many good things- sure, there was the payment aspect, but I knew going in it wasn’t a “get rich quick” thing. It would take work, dedication, and a drive that was in me- that I was worried might not actually be there.
~
I grew up at a quick pace. With my mom being in medical school, constantly gone, and my father being a pastor while raising three young kids all being one year apart (my twin and I respectively too close for comfort sometimes 😂), I put myself into the role of a parent at a very young age. My older brother is on the autism spectrum, has ADHD, and was diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia later finally in his teenage years. My twin was diagnosed with anger management issues and was mostly nonverbal when he was very young outside of just screams and yelling, and as for myself- well, that’s for a different time.
My father is an alcoholic. I would say that he “was,”- but I know too well that that type of terminology brings about false confidence. His alcoholism culminated in an abusive and unstable childhood for myself and my brothers.
Growing up, I learned how to tiptoe around the house, making sure I was not seen and not heard. The types of events that happened when I was growing up could fill an entire blog itself- some things I’ve managed to write down for my own therapeutic purposes, some I’ve tried my best to forget. But one thing remained the same- protecting myself and my brothers and feeling the need to be perfect like it was a second heart beating loudly in my chest.
If I could only make sure I was "good" enough, if I could make sure that I was pleasing everyone and being “perfect,” then everything else would fall into place, right?
Many years later, I can recognize what that feeling of needing perfection is and how it affects me today.
Well?
What’s so hard?
Just type out words, spit them out, rummage them around, see if it makes sense- then slap it out there and see what comes of it- simple enough, right?
I wish it could be so easy for me.
What’s so hard?
I know what I’m capable of. I know my best work; I know my -not the best- work. If I’m going to be posting something that is going to be read and seen by others, don’t I owe it to them and myself to be close to-, if not EXACTLY or better than- my best work?
My sense of value- I freely admit I have pretty low self-esteem. This culminates in my thinking that my work or ~anything I may create~ may not have value by proxy of being “mine.” Can you see how that could turn around to bite me?
My own determination. I can be pretty stubborn if I want to be-; growing up the way I did meant I learned how to stick through things and push myself past what I previously thought were my limits. Add in the phrase “You can do anything you set your mind to!” and, well, instead of someone who aims for the stars and beyond- I became someone who: plans out a very detailed goal for going beyond the stars and then has to calculate the risks of going so far, any possible side effects of doing so, or if there might be any gas stations on planets to stop and grab some coffee beforehand if I might need to stock up on that… the list goes on and on.
What was supposed to give me confidence and courage ended up creating crippling anxiety that made me overthink and doubt myself at every turn instead.
Although this way of thinking sometimes helps me, I’ve found my brain jumps to the greatest and brightest ideas when given the opportunity!
I can multitask pretty decently, and I like to think my creative streak can overflow with ideas that feel like they’ll never stop when I get truly inspired...
But for some reason, I was stopping myself from speaking out and reaching out to those very same people who were giving me that space and time that I so desperately craved. I kept myself from proving that I have value- fulfilling my own prophecy of failure.
So- what’s really so hard?
I think what’s so hard for me about posting on Hive is that I don’t feel 100% comfortable yet with expressing myself to something other than the documents on my computer that I know are for myself and -only- myself. I know that I have much to share and express, and I would love to share and express those things with people! But the act of doing so is much different than telling yourself in your mind that you’ll do it.
Typing those first words, formulating those first thoughts, drafting the ideas drawn from your brain- they’re all second steps.
The first step is telling yourself that what you express, what you present to others- regardless of the response or the votes, regardless of the fear of opinions, the support, or any dislikes, is for yourself.
I write for myself. I write to get my thoughts out, so they’re no longer a jumbled mess tumbling around in my head, collecting dust and scraping my dreams out with the rest of the garbage. I write so I can feel confident in my ability to be seen, to be heard. I write so that I can feel like I am amounting to something for myself.
Putting so much pressure on myself and a post-, even if it is my second post, seems almost silly.
So here it is- a longer post, but one that speaks my mind. One that doesn’t ask what would work best, what would be best received, what would be seen the most- a post that shows what's on my mind. It’s a post that tells me it’s okay to be myself, to make this blog MY piece of artwork and proven hard work.
Here’s to my second post- and to hopefully many more, even if the anxiety comes back and tries to tear me down. Even if I’m not completely sure at the moment, I know what I need, and I know what I want- to share my thoughts, knowledge, and my posts to whoever will be there to listen. 💜
