Once I got into a terrible argument with a friend
because I had said something about my fascination with LSD; previously accompanied by a casual joke.
She immediately started ranting about whether I had all my wits about me and whether I hadn't taken enough drugs in my life! Didn't I know that the Youth Welfare Office would immediately come to my house and I would get into real trouble if it became known that I was "one of those"? And then she really told me off, that she had known, that I was incorrigible and probably had permanent drug damage (from when we used to go out partying, as we called it) and that I smoked, that it was unbelievable how I treated myself, just my appearance alone, I would visually let myself go like that. I had always seemed like a rather questionable person to her, she just didn't say anything because it would have been quite interesting with me at times... And so on and so forth.
What had I said? That I was "interested" in LSD, that I "read about it" and liked to deal with marginal topics, but that I didn't want to get on her nerves if she didn't want to talk about it and that we could talk about something else. But by then the child had fallen into the well.
That was in 2017
The officials had not been the subject of my thoughts in the process. As so often in my life, the authorities were not part of my considerations as soon as I became interested in this or that topic.
Yet I had heard so much about these officials from childhood that I had memorised a good part of what was allowed and what was not. Drinking was allowed. Until you dropped and threw up in the neighbour's garden. Pills too. You were also allowed to smoke until your lungs groaned, but that will maybe banned soon.
Where I can still think, say or do anything at all that is not forbidden or unwelcome either by officials or unofficials - of which there are hordes - is something I will soon have to look for, or ready am. The consequences of my freedom loving mind and soul: I feel and have to bear with them in my real work and life.
Of course, this friend had been right about me.
In fact, I had stopped trying to live up to her ideal of beauty, I "let myself go", in other words: I took the liberty of no longer considering my wrinkles, my ageing and appearance as particularly important, since I can't do anything about getting old and unsightly anyway. Therefore: True, the expression "letting oneself go" is not that inappropriate, but of course the tone makes the music and as my friend told me, the statement dripped with unwillingness and a certain disgust for me. "Health" was a very big issue in our arguments.
The speculation that I would stand in front of A-level students as some kind of teacher and proclaim how "awesome drugs are", a fantasy she expressed to me, that too is certainly not to be dismissed, but of course I wouldn't do such a thing, what's the point, because why would I teach something that is viewed so controversially and above all contemptuously as "drugs"? At the same time, of course, all people take various drugs every day, but give it a different name and it's fine. Only the "drugs on the list" are evil, of course, the others are good. However, I did not have this debate with this friend.
She was also right about my dubiousness,
as I had always revealed various fringe topics as my area of investigation and whatever had once been interesting for my friend, now I had gone over the top and it had been "enough". I am still perplexed by what had actually been enough and probably, I suspect, it all had nothing to do with me anyway and was, as they say today, "projection". I often serve other people as a whipping girl for this or that anger that someone has inside and because I am mostly a peaceful person, I hold back. Not always though and so I have to admit that unfortunately my equanimity of this moment had not existed then but I have been quite hurt by my friend's comments.
Do I also think that way about her? Do I think she's stupid, is she a servant of authority or a person who's completely out of line? No, I don't think that, or, I better should say I don't like to have those kinds of thoughts. I don't think it does any good to think that way about other people either, even if it really gets to you from time to time. The moments I've actually felt the need to really insult a person, to discredit them, to call them names, to despise them and so on, I've still refrained - well, ... most of the times. Although I wouldn't say I kept quiet or had no arguments. I'm certainly an argumentative type.
But why am I even mentioning this episode?
It seems to me like a harbinger, or a retelling, of what we are currently experiencing and what we have experienced before: the fear of authority, the long arm of the law. No matter how small we want to make ourselves, there is always something where we could be accused of thinking or doing something against the rules. Following the media bluster, we seem to be obsessed with talking about who is considered a fanatic of authority and who is legitimised to mean something else.
At the moment, it seems, we have nothing else to do, as we are all completely limited in what we can do. This is very difficult for someone like me to bear. I am in favour of freedom of thought, of deviating from ordered rules, which I follow anyway, but those who put me under general suspicion, who portray me as irresponsible, unloving and lacking in solidarity, could not be more wrong. Unfortunately, I have no one I can directly address, because the arm of the law is far too long to climb up.
I am still working,
but this work is taking place in a climate of fear. I don't know how long my mental stability can be maintained, but I am also amazed that more people don't go crazy, but if they did, I wouldn't notice (other than reading about numbers of suicides, something people seem to be astonishingly oblivious about).
My everyday life consists of reduced contacts and I hardly ever go out on the street. As a person who never takes her mobile phone with her, who is never online on the road, as someone who prefers physical contact to virtual, I notice a certain tiredness towards being active or interested in social life.
Probably I am exhausted from a working day. Not allowed to be near my clients, to sit on a distance and try to help or to understand the paperwork which I am supposed to work with. Normally, I do teach my clients how to read the papers, how to un-code the expressions of the authorities.
So, after almost a year, I am starting to get disinterested in social contact. In fact, I am considering to quit my job on the whole. For, as people here are not interested either in social work and life, why would I still insist in maintaining my job? Most of what I loved about my profession has gone done the hill. The quality of interaction suffered a great deal. And I realize that this won't change within the next foreseeable time. So I am willing to quit.
I know, the argument that I leave my clients alone, that many of them maybe will be lost to their own devices and suffer from having to deal with social distancing loving people, may arise in ones mind. But as always, I am convinced about the cleverness of people. They will find a way. I am neither the savior of the poor and disadvantaged nor need I to be saved by my customers or clients. Though I wish for more backbone and honesty in this whole crisis.
But if the world right now wants social distance and doesn't let me work the way I can be in my best, friendliest and most effective art of being, they will have me at distance. I no more want to deal with people. If I insist in doing so I may become unfriendly, unloving, aggressive and painful. For working against my very nature, this is leading not only to harm myself but it won't serve those well who visit my consultation hours. Next year it will be ten years I am completing my profession as a social worker. I may have chosen a different path until then. I don't know yet.
Wish me a good fortune.
P.S. What I have learned: People don't take good care of themselves. They hated their working hours and amounts. They overworked themselves or were under-inspired. For me, I had begun to take care of my personal needs long go, worked only as much as I felt joy and didn't overburden myself with loads of work and clients. Now I am hearing from a lot of people, that they actually are quite happy about the crisis as they feel less stressed and are relieved not to serve as much customers as before or to work from home.
For me, who did not need a pandemic to realize that I am responsible for how my life is being organized, that sounds somehow ironic. For I am carrying the consequences of all those people who did not jump down the "faster, higher and bigger"-train by their own choice but who had to "be forced" in doing so. What shall I say? Congratulations?
Well, maybe ...
Photo by McGill Library on Unsplash