My name is Maryam. That is what I've been called ever since I was brought to the church, wrapped in white cloth and left at the church's altar where the sisters found me. I do not remember that day, but I've lived inside it's consequences ever since that day.
The church raised and shaped me with quiet routines and simple discipline. There were morning and evening prayers, as well as periods of silence when necessary and obedience always. Early on I learned how to live without taking up space, how to bow my head at the particular times and how to stop my mind from going where it shouldn't. Another thing I learned was that the world beyond the church was full of mess, danger and sin. But inside, everything was clear. Right was right, and wrong was wrong. God above all things.
Inside the church, you do not have to consider whether something is right or wrong because it has already been decided, and all you are required to do is follow. I never had any doubt or questioned anything. The world beyond the church walls felt distant and almost unreal. Whatever existed out there had nothing to do with me. The church was were I belonged.
Well... at least that was what I believed. Until Samuel, the new altar boy, arrived. On a particular morning, he was simply standing at the altar alongside the others in white and looking completely at peace. I noticed him even though there was nothing remarkable about him. I cannot say it was something I could point to and explain, it was just a feeling that i could not define.
I quickly averted my gaze the first time our eyes met. My chest suddenly felt tight for reasons that did not make sense to me, but I thought that it meant nothing and was just something that I would eventually forget about. But did it pass? No, it stayed. I became more and more aware of him in ways I did not understand. Not deliberately, I did not seek him out. But I noticed when he entered a room, go up to the altar, I noticed when he didn't get enough sleep because of the bags under his eyes, I noticed the small stain in his garmet, I noticed his very visible dimples whenever he smiled, i noticed when he wasn't in a good mood, when he stood too close to me, when he smiles at me, and when he speaks to me in that voice that felt... different.
And there was the first time he touched me. It was a small and even insignificant touch. Our hands brushed while passing each other during mass, it lasted no more than a second but something inside me reacted. It was not something I could control or reason with, instead it was something that was far deeper than anything I had experienced before.
That night, I prayed harder and longer than I had in a long time. I knelt by my bedside, trying to steady myself and find the peace I had always had. I asked God for clarity, peace, strength to overcome temptation and whatever else that was stirring inside me. But it didn't, if anything, it became stronger. After that, avoiding him became impossible.
Samuel did not make anything easy. He did not made it obvious or in a way that would be noticed by anyone, but there was certainly intention behind everything he did, like how he stood close enough to me, how way his fingers brushed against mine and lingered, and how he spoke to me.
"You act like you do not feel anything"
Samuel said to me one dat, his voice low enough so no one could hear. I just stood there because I did not trust myself to say anything, but he was wrong. I felt everything and that's made it hard for me. Each day, I felt it building inside me until it became to hard to ignore, because I became more and more aware of it, the more I tried to ignore it.
The day things shifted was anything but just a day. There was no clear beginning nor warning. Just one afternoon when the church was nearly empty. I was standing at the back of the church, focused on something meaningless while trying to keep my thoughts steady and holding unto the idea of myself that had never struggled in this way before. Then I felt him beside him. I did not need to look up to know it was him.
"Maryam" Samuel said softly. The sound of my name in his voice always made something in me react.
"Samuel" I said. His hand found mine, not by accident this time but with intention. He held it gently like he was giving me time to pull away. I didn't, though. My heart was racing and my thoughts' a mess but underneath all of it was something I could no longer deny. I wanted to stay.
"Tell me you do not feel it" Samuel's voice so low that what he was about to say could be considered a secret.
I couldn't because I did feel it. "I do, but..."
This was the truth I had been avoiding and that had growing stronger everytime I tried to ignore it.
"If you do, then come with me Maryam" Samuel said with a pleading voice and look.
It wasn't confusion anymore or something I could pray away, it was something I wanted and that realisation hit me harder than anything else, not the feeling itself, but the fact that I didn't want it to stop. And more than the sin itself, the consequences and everything else I had been taught to be afraid of, that was scared me the most.
I turned to face Samuel fully. My heart was beating in and out of sync as I say, "I will go with you, Samuel"
Samuel started edging his way forward and was obviously leaning in for a kiss, but my body did not move away, I stepped closer instead. I could feel the weight of it immediately, I was aware of this simple action and I understand with such clarity that my life as I had known it was gone forever.
Samuel didn't have to say anything after the kiss because my choice was already made. No longer was I resisting him, at least not completely, but the feeling, wanting and the part of me that had already stopped resisting. As I stood there, aware of everything I was risking, everything I was turning away from, there was one thought that settled into my mind much clearer than I wanted...
I was not afraid of this sin, instead I was afraid of how much I wanted this sin. And that was the moment I stopped belonging God.
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