** Is it selfish? (Putting yourself first)**
I think in previous posts I’ve mentioned helping two friends try and sober up from fentanyl and benzodiazepines in 2021. The former I had met in rehab. It was my first (and hopefully last) time in a rehab.
It was terrifying for someone like me. No criminal record, never had done hard drugs, I’d only admitted myself so I could have someone monitor me as I weaned off benzodiazepines. Seizures are not a laughing matter and it’s not uncommon to experience that during withdrawal.
Derek and I clicked like two peas in a pod. We were disgusted with the conditions and people, and due to COVID we had to spend 30 days together in a house with other addicts with mental disorders. We spent most of the time watching movies in our room. He unfortunately didn’t break up with his meth addict girlfriend. His mom called me crying, long story short I tried helping him but almost ended up relapsing myself. I decided to release him, only to hear he had overdosed a month later.
Then there was Dalton. My neighbor who introduced me to RC benzodiazepines. I spent thousands of dollars on them. It was ridiculous. What was more ridiculous was spending was me thinking I could talk him into sobriety. I spent months monitoring him in his motel room, he continually relapsed and I realized it wasn’t worth it. He’d get sober only if he wanted to.
During this time, I lost a good majority of friends, my car was repossessed as I was so deep in my own drug use and ironically trying to sober up anyone but myself.
I realized I needed to do what was best for me.
After a heartfelt text to Dalton, I’ve been trying to get back on my feet. 2021 I look back on fondly to be frank. Yes I was irresponsible and did things so damn stupid, but boy did I have a good time. That sense of playing with death I suppose.
Moving forward.
Tonight a friend I made while living at a hostel freaked out on me for not answering a phone call of hers. I was napping for one, and my anxiety lately has me refusing any phone calls. Texts only, which I told her. She went off on me, saying she was going to kill herself.
This felt like another test. I could spent the night trying to change someone’s mind or indulge their attempt to grab my attention. I ended up asking what was wrong several times to no avail. Then called the suicide hotline asking if they could reach out to her. Unfortunately they had no legal ability so I sent her another text with the number asking her to call it. And that was it. I didn’t reply to her. She told me to f**k off and delete her number, I figured I’d respect her space.
I’m curious as to if I should continue this tactic. I would’ve spent hours texting her, but I tried “working smarter, not harder”.
Those hours were spent cleaning, and trying to figure out how I could continue digging myself out of my own hole instead.
Apologies on the giant post, replies are incredibly appreciated.
Hope you all remember to take care of your mental health! And stay the hell away from drugs, Fentanyl especially!
