Observations are simply the facts of a situation. What you heard someone say or what you saw someone do, without adding any evaluations or judgments. For instance, if someone said, "I like the red dress better," the observation is, "You said that you liked the red dress better" because the speaker is simply repeating back what the other person said. An observation that is mixed with evaluations or judgments might be "You said that you don't like me in the blue dress" because the speaker is interpreting what the other person meant by the statement. Do you notice the difference?
This distinction is important because most of us would argue with someone who repeated the second sentence.The argument would be about our interpretation of what the other person meant by the statement, or the other person defending the statement, rather than what is really important: gaining clarity about the person's intention or being heard about our hurt feelings that were stimulated by the statement.
Another form of observation is when we state the facts of what we saw or experienced, such as "You came home at 5:30," where the speaker simply states the actual event. An evaluation would be "You were late again. You're always late." How do you think you would respond to this? Most of us would defend ourselves by arguing about our lateness this time or we might reflect on all the times we were on time. Can you relate?
Before we can listen to another person and before you start a conversation we need to have self empathy. All this means is that we need to take 5 minutes to sit and just notice how we are feeling in this moment, and what our needs are. Giving yourself time before you give to others is an important part of grounding, self connection and self self empathy. We cannot connect with another person unless we are connected with our own feelings, WHATEVER they are. In this video you see a woman in tears and she is sad when she checks in, but of course you may be experiencing a completely different and also positive feelings.
Watch Marianne show us how its done! This is such a beautiful and intimate demonstration and sharing of a real self empathy process happening,. Notice how deep she goes and how she REALLY gets in touch with her feelings, and her needs. This demo relates to a breakup of a relationship.
2. Introduction to Non-Violent Communication - Compassionate Listening
Please click on SUBTITLES button to reveal the English translation. It's worth it!
4. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in Action (Part 1)
6. THE NO.1 LISTENING MISTAKE & HOW TO AVOID IT
Demonstrated in an example of
feeling jealous of a partner spending time with someone of the opposite sex.
a) The Three Dont's are:
1. Don't try to educate or try to help them understand why things happen.
2. Don't give any advice or solutions
3. Don't give any reassurance that contradicts their feelings.
When your kids dont want to put their shoes on, or go to school or are fighting with each other and you dont really understand why, NVC can be very helpful.
In this video you can learn how to get a better connection with your children, and the anger and sadness will be much lighter and easier to solve.
What you SHOULD do is guess their feelings and needs, and ask questions to clarify details. Please do not try to offer any suggestions or try to fix anything!
In this video demonstration we can learn how NVC is used with Marianne's daughter Laura who is triggered by her young brother who is teasing her. Watch how the mother speaks and handles the situation.
Question: 1. He works too hard.
Question 2. I parked the car in front of the apartment building.
Question 3. My neighbour is a nice guy.
Question 4. My boss is a micromanager.
Question 5. My new computer is three times faster than my last one.
The answers are at the end of this post!
If this feels uncomfortable for you then instead please ask them to tell you about an event from their lives. As you listen to your practice partner, sum up your practice partner’s overall experience and feelings in brief responses during the sharing:
Please spend 5 minutes noticing how you are feeling (self empathy) before you start this listening exercise, it is very important.
- Sit comfortably facing the speaker and try to keep your body language open. Avoid crossing your arms and try to aim your feet toward the person.
- Remember that you are about to simply listen as best you can. This listening is not about you, it is purely about you understanding them.
- Listen first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you don't agree with it.
- Once you acknowledge how they feel, try to also confirm a need with them. Please use the PDF attached below for inspiration... we all have the same basic needs.
This kind of listening separates acknowledging from approving or agreeing . Acknowledging another person's thoughts and feelings does not have to mean that you approve of or agree with that person's actions.
By listening and then repeating back in your own words the essence and feeling of what you have just heard, from the speaker's point of view, you allow the speaker to feel the satisfaction of being understood, (a major human need). Listening responsively is always worthwhile as a way of letting people know that you care about them. Our conversation partners do not automatically know how well we have understood them, and they may not be very good at asking for confirmation. When a conversation is tense or difficult it is even more important to listen first and acknowledge what you hear. Otherwise, your chances of being heard by the other person may be very poor.
1. As a general rule, do not just repeat another person's exact words. Summarise their experience in your own words . But in cases where people actually scream or shout something, sometimes you may want to repeat a few of their exact words in a quiet tone of voice to let them know that you have heard it just as they said it.
2. If the emotion is unclear, make a tentative guess, as in "So it sounds like maybe you were a little unhappy about all that…" The speaker will usually correct your guess if it needs correcting.
3. Listening is an art and there are very few fixed rules. Pay attention to whether the person speaking accepts your summary by saying things such as "yeah!", "you got it," "that's right," and similar responses.
4. If you can identify with what the other person is experiencing, then in your tone of voice (as you summarise what another person is going through), express a little of the feeling that your conversation partner is expressing. (Emotionally flat summaries feel strange and distant.)
5. Please download this PDF with a list of feelings and needs. It will help you to assist them to find their own feelings and needs as you respond and clarify their points.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vYh6RMdG7O-7dFJEb5B0VrGkwmbKh8PG/view?usp=sharing
Please use the ecotain and nvc tags in your post, as well as any other tags that you would like.
If you have ANY questions about a conversation that happened, or about this process please do ask me in the comments below. I will tie up all of your posts and conclude this part next week on the 28th January. You can of course do this at anytime, but if you want to be a part of this group as it happens, then that is the deadline.
Listening to others helps others to listen. In learning to better coordinate our life activities with the life activities of others, we would do well to resist two very popular (but terrible) models of communication: arguing a case in court and debating. In courts and debates, each side tries to make its own points and listens to the other side only to tear down the other side's points. Since the debaters and attorneys rarely have to reach agreement or get anything done together, it doesn't seem to matter how much ill will their conversational style generates. But most of us are in a very different situation . We probably spend most of our lives trying to arrange agreement and cooperative action, so we need to be concerned about engaging people, not defeating them. In business (and in family life, too) the person we defeat today will probably be the person whose cooperation we need tomorrow!
As Marshall Rosenberg reported in his book, Nonviolent Communication , "studies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to repeat what the previous speaker had said." (my emphasis)
When people are upset about something and want to talk about it their capacity to listen is greatly diminished. Trying to get your point across to a person who is trying to express a strong feeling will usually cause the other person to try even harder to get that emotion recognized. On the other hand, once people feel that their messages and feelings have been heard, they start to relax and they have more attention available for listening. For example, in a hospital a nurse might say, after listening to a patient: "I hear that you are very uncomfortable right now, Susan, and you would really like to get out of that bed and move around. But your doctor says your bones won't heal unless you stay put for another week." The patient in this example is much more likely to listen to the nurse than if the nurse simply said: "I'm really sorry, Susan, but you have to stay in bed. Your doctor says your bones won't heal unless you stay put for another week." What is missing in this second version is any acknowledgment of the patient's present experience.
The power of simple acknowledging. The practice of responsive listening described here separates acknowledging the thoughts and feelings that a person expresses from approving, agreeing, advising, or persuading. Acknowledging another person's thoughts and feelings…
…still leaves you the option of agreeing or disagreeing with that person's point of view, actions or way of experiencing.
…still leaves you with the option of saying yes or no to a request.
…still leaves you with the option of saying more about the matter being discussed.
One recurring problem in conflict situations is that many people don't separate acknowledging from agreeing. They are joined together in people's minds, somewhat like a two-boxes-of-soap "package deal" in a supermarket. The effect of this is, let us say, that John feels that any acknowledgment of Fred's experience implies agreement and approval, therefore John will not acknowledge any of Fred's experience. Fred tries harder to be heard and John tries harder not to hear. Of course, this is a recipe for stalemate (if not disaster).
People want both: to be understood and acknowledged on the one hand, and to be approved and agreed with, on the other. With practice, you can learn to respond first with a simple acknowledgment. As you do this, you may find that, figuratively speaking, you can give your conversation partners half of what they want, even if you can't give them all of what they want. In many conflict situations that will be a giant step forward. Your conversation partners will also be more likely to acknowledge your position and experience, even if they don't sympathise with you. This mutual acknowledgment can create an emotional atmosphere in which it is easier to work toward agreement or more gracefully accommodate disagreements. Here are three examples of acknowledgments that do not imply agreement:
The 8 Pillars of @TribeSteemUp
