I WONDER WHAT SOUL SEARCHING REALLY IS...
Do you soul search when she hurts you?
Do you soul search when she breaks your heart for the thousandth time?
Do you soul search when, looking about you, you find no one you can really tell what you're going through?
Do you soul search when you realize there's no one there for you to hold on tight to, rest your head on the should and pour out your hurt tears..
Do you soul search when you see yourself surrounded by too many people, yet still feel an acute loneliness?
Do you soul search when you find yourself crying in a classroom after a song reminded you of her?
Do you soul search when you find yourself promising that you'll leave her for good?
Do you soul search when you pick up the guitar and the strings play only her name; in odd mournful tunes?
Do you soul search when, for the first time in years, you do not know what to say, for you have been talking and talking, words that only start from your mouth, and not your heart?
Do you soul search after she leaves you, or after you leave her?
Do you soul search when you wish to disconnect; for you realize you have been emptied - you are empty.
Do you soul search when, looking at your phone, there's so many people to talk to but none to really have a conversation with, from the heart, from your heart?
Do you soul search because you now realize just how lonely you are?
Do you soul search because you're tired of that side of you that they all want to see every time; the side you keep giving them; the side that really isn't you...
Do you soul search because no one, no one, really knows?
I do not know.. But I am going off to soul search. I am going away, to comb the depths of my soul. My laughter's, the ones you see everyday, they're fake. My smiles, fake. Inside me, there's so many broken pieces of fear and torment. Inside me, is a hurt, sad and lonely man. Inside me, is a struggle; to not lose; to stand; to not cry when I think of her; to smile, for you and for you; to stand, by you and you; to let my facade of a happiness give you strength..
Well I'm tired. This lonely, depressed, broken man is tired. He's done giving them all and getting none in return. Can't you see? Can't you see how close to the edge he is? Can you really not see??
I need to soul search. To search my soul or to search for my soul.
But I don't know why I should. I don't even know how. But I know I will go away. I know I will strip me bare. Trust me, you won't like me so much when I'm naked, exposed, wide open, my sins, my hurt, my pain, my fear, my inadequacy, my shame...you won't like me so much... Then I will go away.
I need to go. And I will.