We've lived in our house for around twenty-five years now. Probably about twenty years ago, I offered to give the kitchen a makeover. We didn't have much money, so I figured some new work surfaces and cupboard doors would at least buy me a few years before we took the plunge on what is a very expensive exercise: a new kitchen. Like most men's cunning plans, things didn't quite go as I'd hoped, and in fact, I had to repair the floor and replace a few of the rotten cupboards. Suffice it to say, I spent double what I'd initially budgeted for.
My long-suffering wife had reached the limit of how much longer she could ignore the sagging doors and mismatched cupboard ( On the left of the first picture ) and demanded a new kitchen, and so, like a lot of families in the UK, it was off to B&Q a DIY outlet after making an appointment with one of their 'Kitchen Design Team.'
Back in the good old days, you had someone come to the house, measure up, show you some catalogues, and help you choose the right items for your particular room. These days, with the wonders of computers and 3D modelling, there's no need to give your space a once-over, or so they believe!
My wife, bless her, doesn't do "visualising" so she finds it difficult to understand, for example, that an oblong can't go in a square: "Why not? they both have straight edges!" 🤦♂️
I knew we would have a problem with the wall that has the window. All base units, that's the cupboards to you and me, are 600mm deep; however, from the doorway to the wall, it's 3200mm.
Designer: "We don't supply half-base units with our installation service."
Me: "But we have that doorway, and the wife doesn't want to block it up."
Designer: "We don't supply half-base units with our installation service."
Me: "But you sell them, I bought mine from you. Admittedly, it was about twenty years ago, but even so."
Designer: "We don't supply half-base units with our installation service."
Me: "OK, let's continue and see what we can do."
The computer program is a simple drag-and-drop. The designer picks from a list of cupboards, sinks, fridges, and washing machines until they—or should I say the computer—have built an image of your dream kitchen.
Designer: "I can't get your washing machine to fit!"
Me: "Well it does fit, it's fitted now."
Designer: "The system won't let me put it there."
Me: "That's because you use 600mm bases."
Designer: "We don't supply half-base units with our installation service."
At was at this point, I wanted to find a way to get my wife to leave the store so I could suggest we go somewhere else when, to my utter horror (Remember, I'm a salesperson), the designer said: "I don't think we can help you, it might be better if you went somewhere else maybe someone who builds kitchens." I was both horrified and relieved. I was horrified that the designer was willing to throw away a £15K sale but relieved as I was about to explode with frustration.
In all fairness, I should be honest and own up that the wife finally came around to the idea of blocking the door off. I've cut down our interaction at B&Q because it went on for ages and became even more bizarre and annoying as time went on. For example, the designer suggested having the washing machine and two bases fitted, and we fitted a 3200mm unit ourselves, which meant that as you walked through the door, you would have to side-step to the right to avoid the 600mm bases. 😱
We went to Wickes, where our design experience was far better but still riddled with problems.
In part 2
"Sixty-Seven packs of tiles? Are we doing the whole house?"
"They haven't loaded the handles, oven, and some panels."
"It'd be funny if those tiles were coming from all over the West Midlands!"
My actual name is Pete. Here is why I have the username dickturpin.
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