Once again, the wife, me and Charlie went down to Devon for a couple of days to our favourite area, Countisbury, Lynmouth and Lynton. With the Pandemic still lingering around, most of the UK is having staycations which means finding anywhere with vacancies in the most popular seaside destinations is difficult, to say the least. Now, most of my friends know that our favourite place to stay is The Blue Ball Inn, Countisbury. Still, sadly they only had two nights available Thursday and Friday, which meant that I needed to find somewhere for one night which is a tall order given; as I say, rooms are at a premium at the moment. After a few phone calls, I came across The Captains House. Looking at the decor, my eyebrows raised slightly, but at least they had rooms available, and our biggest criteria are that they allowed dogs. Still, it always pays to phone and speak to these people because "Dog Friendly" means many different things to different venues. Little did I know what I was letting myself in for.
The phone call
I rang the B&B, and a guy answered the phone.
Me: "Hi, I see you have a room available for one night on the 28th?"
Proprietor: "ONLY ONE NIGHT?"
Hmm? Not a good start?
Me: "Yes, I've already booked in somewhere else for two nights. I only need one night."
Proprietor: "You could stay here for three nights."
Me: "As I said, I've already booked into the Blue Ball Inn."
He then proceeded to slag off the Blue Ball Inn for a couple of minutes
Proprietor: "Hmm? So just the one night then? Yes, I have a room."
Me: "I see your website says dog friendly. Do you allow dogs in the dining room?"
Proprietor: "NO! I can set you up a table and chairs in the garage...."
Me: "THE GARAGE?"
Proprietor: "Yes, the garage, but it's open to the road. You can hear the water."
I quickly discussed it with my wife, and we both agreed it was just a place to sleep, and we wouldn't let it bother us.
Me: "OK, I'll take it."
Proprietor: "Do you have your Debit/Credit card ready? What's the name on the card? Would you please read out the long number? And the security code, please. Right, that's all gone through."
Me: "WAIT! WHAT? How much have you taken from my card?"
Proprietor: "拢130.00"
Me: "WHAT? I thought you were logging my details or at the very least taking a deposit!."
Proprietor: "Oh, no. We take full payment."
Now there are several other issues with this place, for example, there's no parking. The website says there is, but there's not. He tells you to park outside someone's house up the road, basically. We ended up parking across the river and carting all our bags across the footbridge. My favourite is that he offers to come and fetch you from your parked car "For a small fee." cheeky toerag.
We arrived
Having already looked on Google maps, I decided to park in the public car park and drag all our bags across the footbridge.
The proprietor met us at the door and seemed just as unsuited for his role in person as he was on the phone. "Come in, come in." he said as if he was trying to keep the world outside out. "This is your room, nice and convenient for walking the dog." we walked, I'd say ten steps, and there was our room; little did we realise our close proximity to the front door was going to be a problem.
It was a wonder the wife didn't stagger backwards as we entered. Personally, I thought I'd been transported back to a 1990s' brothel! We both looked at each other with our eyebrows desperately trying to escape up and over our heads. The bed, I would say, was the size of a Kingsize single bed, not a double bed. This was going to be fun as both the wife and I move around a fair bit when sleeping, and this was going to be even more interesting with the wafer-thin bags that pretended to be pillows.
To try and bring some fun to the situation, I said to the Mrs: "Tell you what, love, you nip in the bathroom, and when you come out, all I'll be wearing is that Trojan helmet up there." (On top of the corner unit) sadly, she didn't seem up for that for some strange reason?
The pi猫ce de r茅sistance was the bathroom. It had carpet! CARPET! Who in their right mind has carpet in the bathroom? Everyone knows men often miss and widdle on the floor. Not intentionally, but it happens that's why nobody has carpet in the bathroom, but here's the thing, how many guests have pee'd on that carpet? The wife, horrified, said: "Keep your socks on! Or wear your shoes in the room. That's disgusting." 馃あ
Having said that, we both fell about in hysterics at the Bog Roll dolly on top of the toilet. "My gran had one of those in the 1970s'; it's been 50 years since I last saw one of them!" I said. 馃ぃ
Remember I said we were close to the front door? The thing about dogs is no matter what the bread or size, they see their role as protecting the family; that's why they bark when the postman comes, so when you take them to a room with a closed door, and they hear movement, the other side of the door they'll start barking which in dog speak is: "Try and come in here and I'll have ya!" Charlie took this to the next level, given the foot traffic through the front door that went on unabated till around 1 am! Where had these people been? It's a small fishing village!
The next day
Bleary eyed through lack of sleep, and that wasn't down to Charlie either. We were ushered into the garden, which was actually really nice. Then came the breakfast. one sausage, one rasher of bacon, a couple of tinned mushrooms and a (hard) fried egg. "Where's the beans?" whispered the wife. "Eat up your tepid food before it gets even colder I replied."
Because we're British, we obviously lied and said to the proprietor, "Ooh, lovely, thanks." when he asked if everything was OK. He then launched into "Well, you could have stayed with us, you know, we're much nicer than the Blue Ball, they've got damp, and it keeps changing hands!" I'd had enough and said. "Firstly, we've stayed there a few times, and I've never seen any damp, and secondly, it's obviously a good investment because it just sold for one point five million!" (quite a few quid more than your little B&B mush) he scurried off with his tail between his legs, and we left to enjoy our short break.
Post Script: The golden rule of sales is "Don't slag off the competition" I guarantee it'll put people off buying from you.
P.P.S. If you want a laugh, spend some time and have a look at the reviews which I didn't read before booking.
My actual name is Pete
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