Have you ever done something out of the goodness of your heart and not just out of self-interest? It is okay to be honest. Me? I don't remember anymore. I don't remember how I've come to this level of human feeling. Uncaring. Honestly, I do want to care if I get something back. So. I guess I am not human anymore. What is being human these days?
In this day and age, we no longer live for each other. Love has become an exchange of commodity. Gawd, have you ever felt this tired of humanity? It seems like I want to scream for help but people just keep on staring at their phones, keep on walking, keep on hitting those like buttons, keep on working their monotonous jobs, keep on only caring about themselves, keep on living as if other humans don't exist.
We are living our mechanical lives.
I've come to conclude that everything we do is purely out of self-interest. Anything to maximize pleasure and minimize pain. It is quite disheartening that we are now living this Darwinian world literally.
I wish I can just disillusion myself into thinking that people do care about each other. But I am just setting myself up for disappointment. I am already doubting anything or anyone that tries to make me feel good. What are the ulterior motives? I don't want to be used. The fact that people don't care makes me not want to care anymore. We've become hyper individualists.
I was thinking of moving back to my city since there's no tourism yet and it does not make sense to live like this. You know, to live alone. I was missing my friends and family. I gave up all hope to connect with these island people, they are the most selfish beings I know. I was already getting excited and all until it hit me, I miss them sure, but are they missing me? Will they come here and visit me too? The inconvenient truth made me stay and bear this agony instead.
For a moment there, I had a purpose. Then I stripped myself of something to look forward to just like that. Days start to become meaningless again. It is just hard to swallow my insignificance, but maybe slowly, I don't know how, I will learn that it is just me and me alone. Or, until someone shows me that I am not. Maybe there's still that tiny hope in me.
To cope, in a good way, I am thinking of something to keep myself busier, to fill the void. Something that will not make me think. I really don't want to feel and think this way. I want to channel this darkness into something creative. Maybe I'll just live to create, like create an art or something. Something that will make me feel whole and alive and meaningful again.
Hell is truly other people. I wish they don't exist around me just so I don't feel so shitty about myself. I wish they don't give this "make-believe" I care for you candy just so I don't get my hopes up. Why do we lie that we care when we really don't. I don't have anything for you all, nothing for you to consume and deplete, now will you leave me alone?
I don't know when will I come out of the dark, maybe soon maybe tomorrow maybe never. Maybe my cat one day will find me not breathing and will soon eat me too. In that case, I don't mind.
I once experienced the goodness of people or maybe they just want to feel good about themselves at the time. Lately I feel like everything has changed. People are just so cold. Social media just made everything worse. I wish I can trust again and see the good in humanity.
What makes me care? I don't know, maybe I am the same. Cold.