At some point in your life, you have to make hard choices. And these days especially, it feels like we are forced to just choose the lesser of two evils. Whatever that is more bearable and tolerable. "There are no solutions. There are only trade-offs."
My current company finally accepted my resignation. If I wait for that stupid admin hearing result, I might run the risk of getting terminated. So I just gave them a personal reason. And finally, they've accepted that reason and will let me have my honorable dismissal. (lol) I know, sounds like I'm a criminal. Don't worry, I'm not a threat to all of you, yet.
Now I'm back in this looming anxiety of financially uncertainty (good thing I only have Diablo my cat). I mean I have my "f*ck you money" but that will run out fast. These days you go out and easily spend a $20 bill as if you just let it pass through your hand. You didn't even feel that you had that bill.
Now I look back and think of all the things at work that made me almost crazier than I already am. One thing that I surely do not miss is the COVID security check and the day-to-day harassment as I enter the work premises. Even just remembering that is already giving me an anxiety. There was a time when I dressed down for once and looked like a naïve girl (lol), and just like that I got harassed ("asking for it" right?). At the time, I was actually testing as to how I will be treated so I could confirm how people here can be easily fooled by image. Depending on my look, I know straight away how I will be treated. If I dress like a well educated and high status woman, I will be respected. If I dress like a summer girl, I will be harassed. But due to lack of opportunities for education, those security guys at work just have no concept of respect and decency. Or they just don't have opportunities to practice basic manners and ethics. I mean, do you really need higher education for this?
Months later, I noticed how the security guys at work have changed. They seemed to be more respectful, cordial and serious about their jobs - even holding the door for me (lol this is actually a surprise). Okay I am not going to take the full credit here but maybe I'm part of this change too. One time when I had enough of their shit, I emailed their security agency and the HR narrating in detail as to how rude and disrespectful the security guys are. Later on I found out that other women at work were experiencing the same and I'm a bit relieved that I was not alone in this issue. Some of them even filed their own complaints too. Now that I no longer work for this company, the new behavior of the recently educated securities must have been a relief for most people working there. The lack of appreciation does not even matter now, deep down, I'm still grateful that I'm part of that important change.
I now have a think of what's going to slowly kill me these days. Is it to float in the sea of financial uncertainty or be trapped in a toxic job? To have a nice home and not live there or homelessness. To implode for not speaking up or not have a reason to speak up anymore. To risk being insane around these people or fall further down the rabbit hole of despair and nothingness. It seems that modern society is constantly asking us to pick our poison. And so here we are, perpetually looking for escape routes until we can no longer walk to the exit because we are too frail and tired.
This is Orwellian I know. It seems that all are negative choices. But I try to remain positive these days because I'll only get crazy thinking about what is the best or what is the least painful thing to do. I'm looking forward to this next job but even that is punishing me for uncertainty. One thing that baffles me is that those people at this new job are working from home anyway so I'm not sure why are they securing me to move back to the city soon. I can actually do things remotely just the same. But anyway, I'll try my best to work this out or gain their trust or whatever. I'm pretty sure that as soon as this pandemic is all over, most companies in my city would be happy to put everyone back to the stress of commute, workplace toxicity, and wasted hours in traffic. If everyone suffers, you should suffer too.
Anyway, I still haven't signed an actual job offer because the company still want to make sure that I'm moving back to the city (which is highly unlikely). So I'm still here looking for alternatives trying to live my life in a less painful reality possible. I'm not even aiming for a pain-free life now because this is freakin' impossible. We choose our own cage. But hey everything is going to be okay, the good thing is that I'm a masochist and I sure love this painful life, lol.