I found myself desperately needing some answers. I knew my rage and outburst could just be hormonal or something even more demonic. All I know for sure is that the demon has gotten worse. A few words could trigger the angry beast in me. Then I'll resort into uncontrollable crying regretting everything that has been said and done. I lose control.
Well, today I am okayish. It feels like I just woke up from a really bad nightmare. I was hurting and hurting the ones I deeply care about. I don't trust myself with anyone anymore. My amygdala is constantly activated and I'm always on high alert. It's exhausting.
One of these days I'll probably see a professional. I'll have my brain scanned and expect something very abnormal (The Nazi zombies might have eaten mine already). I might have untreated childhood trauma or have repeatedly exposed myself to traumatic events (including my days on the road and here on the island). My vulnerability turned me into an easy prey constantly adding up to more trauma and injury. This chaotic pattern is the only life I know.
I know this because there are certain things that keep on coming back to my mind. Specific bad things I don't want to remember. I think the time has come when I couldn't heal myself on my own and that I really need help. I know these therapies cost a lot but I just want to know what's causing this madness at least. Get properly diagnosed or something then take it from there. I've been denying this my whole life. I mean, I might be crazy literally. Where I am it's such a taboo and I'm scared to be judged and blamed for everything. I still want to function like a sane human being, you know like go to work and buy cat food.
I can be evil and pretty but I can't be both dysfunctional and homeless at the same time. It sucks that I still have to behave like normal ( I should be free in my madness now), like earn money and pay the rent, ugh. The reality is that I cannot afford to have any kind of illness, physically or mentally. What a big responsibility I am to myself.
I can't keep on living in the dark. I can't keep on hurting the ones I love just because people who were supposed to love me failed to do so. I no longer live in the past and I have to get past this mental state. I have to if I want to live.
I feel sorry now for those who want to love and care for me. I might hurt them. I can't expect them to be patient and understanding all the time - they too have to set boundaries and not tolerate this emotionally abusive behavior. And I don't want to be always on survival mode fighting against the world.
What it's like to be me? I don't know, I just see things differently. I do feel that everyone's out there to hurt me. Relationships don't last very long. I avoid certain places, certain things that remind me of the past or anything that hurt me. I don't like sudden noises or bright lights or anything very stimulating. I don't let new relationships or friendships go on a deep level. I find it very hard to trust people and for this reason I choose to be alone.
And yes, I do need help before this demon takes over. I can't keep on wearing an armor made of shards of glass always fighting back and lashing out. I hurt even those who don't mean to hurt me because I cannot distinguish what is pain and what is love. Whatever it is I will find out, I don't want to use it as justification to mentally assault people. All I want is to heal and transcend this mental state. I am not my past anymore.
Nazi zombie mood. A crazy person looking like a regular person going to work.