Backyard Escargot

With the upcoming trip to Spain and France for the filming of my documentary of a guy running across the Pyrenees Mountains, I figured I better familiarize myself with local French cuisine. While I was out mowing my backyard today I came across this snail. I took note of where he was, finished mowing, got side tracked after I finished and started playing around with my drone because I am going to be taking it out to fly it in a little bit, and then played with my dogs.

Then I remembered the snail. It was about an hour later and I thought it would be long gone, but luckily these things are slow as shit and had only moved about a foot and then rolled its slimy body up into its home. It was probably up in there fellating itself with its little snail pee pee.

I picked it up and moved it to one of my many yellow dandelions that I have in my backyard that my wife hates, but I like them. Flowers are flowers right? After I set it down, it must have just finished doing its thing up in the shell because it poked its feelers out and started wiggling them around to say hi to me. Little did he know that I was going to be eating him in a little bit.

^{Photo taken by me @derangedvisions}

I started to think about how I had never cooked snails before or even seen how people would eat this slimy little bastards. I don't think they would be too bad. I mean, I sometimes when my nose is running I suck the snot down my throat and that doesn't taste half bad. Now if it is like a huge crunchy booger, that could get pretty gross. Especially those bloody boogers. I wonder if snails bleed when you bite them.

I guess I could google and see how I am supposed to cook my backyard snack, but what if this snail was sliding around in my dogs poop about an hour before I found it? There was a huge turd sitting about a foot away from where I found it and according to my calculations it can travel about a foot an hour if it really feels like it. I've never eaten dog poop before... Would this affect the taste of the snail? Do snails in France like in aquariums in the back of the restaurant like some snail breeding facility where all the snails just have big sex parties up until the time that they are eaten? Or do they have some weird snail market where the chefs go out and pick the most beautiful looking snails each day?

I decided against eating the snail today until I brush up on my snail cooking skills a bit more. If I do end up eating some before I leave for the Pyreneese, you can bet that I will be documenting it for you guys to see. I am thinking of starting a new thing here on my page where I go to the weirdest place to eat and pick weird crap to eat and get pictures and video of it. I just thought of it so I am sure it will be gold.

Man I have so much to learn before I go to France in the next few months. I am also going to be eating lamb testicles while I am there, so I need to go find some testicles to eat. I bet I can find some bull testicles somewhere. If I eat those huge balls, a little tiny lamb ball would be easy. So much weird crap to eat and so little time.