I think there was a time that I used to consider myself social and outgoing. I thought I was an “ambivert” because you know… I have my days too. But you know how it gets with people. We grow, we learn, we realise and we change.
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I can say with my full chest that I am in no way social. Well, I have the ability to put on a mask and blend when it’s absolutely necessary. For example a job, business, function. I’ll smile, flip my hair and socialise. More so when something - maybe a deal of some sort - is at stake. I can become a whole different person.
But in reality, I prefer to be alone. I thrive and excel in solitude. It is when I’m at my best. So, if I let anyone into my space, it means I really want and care for that person. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel lonely sometimes. There are days that I just want to be crowded by people who love me and people I love. I am a woman after all and my emotions does get the best of me when I’m alone for too long. Which is why I may end up having conversations with my wall.
Being like this has affected many of my relationships even familial. I only have my mother (as many of you know) and though she and I have the most intimate relationship, contrary to belief, we don’t spend all day talking. We spend the whole day together but not talking. I am either in my room or she’s at her prayer altar. I am so used to silence that it irks me when she turns on that television (like right now!).
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This trait of mine has of course been a blessing and a curse. A blessing in the sense that I don’t have the need to always put myself out there. And a curse because relationships require vulnerability to thrive. I prefer to show the side of me that’s irrelevant to strangers. The other part is just mine. Solely mine.
I have lost friends and contact with family over the years because of this trait. I don’t like it but if I’m being honest, I don’t hate it either. I and a close friend were having deep conversations one time and I said that we were all going to die someday and soon everything we cherish here will become absolutely meaningless. So why worry?
And he replied, “it’s scary how your thoughts can be so dark. Who talks about death so calmly? Only those who truly understand each other can dwell together. Divine, hadn’t been I did not understand you, we wouldn’t be friends because you’re the most annoyingly complicated person I’ve ever met”.
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He was not wrong. Sometimes I suspect there’s something wrong with me. I can go days without communicating with anyone and feel at peace, safe and totally unbothered. It’s not a nice thing but I can’t help it. Especially when I’m going through something bigger than me. I don’t run to people for comfort. I run away from them and towards my problems. Which is why it is very easy for me to move on and cut someone off (not a good thing either) especially when I ‘feel’ they’ve already done it. A whole different breed… lol.
And the worst part is, I’m unapologetic. What do you call this?
I do feel pain when I lose relationships but give it a few days and I’m back to being me. No regrets. I honestly wonder why that is. I do, honestly, and come to the conclusion (almost all the time) that I’m a horrible person but I know I’m not. I’m just built different.
This is my response to the Hive Naija Weekly prompts. Click HERE to find great topics.
