This post will be a reflection on how anxiety and disordered eating have impacted my relationships over the years. I want to focus on romantic relationships because I have noticed a particularly insidious pattern.
When I first started dating, it was fun and light- hearted and easy for me. I was young (I'm talking high school and before) and nothing was serious. Then I lost my virginity when I was 16, to a guy I had been dating on and off for almost two years. He broke up with me soon after. It was the first time I had ever been broken up with, the first time that I was more invested in a parter than they were in me. I was devastated.
This was around the time when my anxiety began to manifest as anorexia. After the breakup, I was constantly wondering if other people in my life felt similarly; did anyone else care less about me than I did about them? And if so, was I imposing myself on these people? Should I pull back?
And thus began my quest to shrink myself. It is a difficult thing to simultaneously seek relationships and a smaller self, but I put forth a valiant effort over the years. One example was a boyfriend I had in the later years of high school. We played the flirtatious game for months before becoming emotionally close. We wrote poems for each other and spoke grandiosely about our future. Every couple months, however, I would pull back. I would claim that I was unsure about how I felt, that I didn't want to lead him on, that I couldn't commit to him in a serious way. We would brush up against places that felt too vulnerable, and I would shrink away into the corners of myself.
When we broke up he told me, "You have broken my heart. You won't allow people to love you, and will thus break the heart of every guy you're ever with". While this was a bold and cruel statement, there was some truth to it. It is damn near impossible to create an intimate relationship when you do not trust yourself with other people.
I went to college determined to prove to myself that this man was wrong about me. It took me nearly four years to succeed at this. I met wonderful people with whom I strongly connected; guys who were sweet and hilarious and wanting to let me into their lives. Instead of trusting their openness, I stuck to my old ways. This meant that I often refused to sleep over, in order to get up early enough to go to the gym. I avoided sharing meals so that I could eat my low calorie food without prying questions.
I held people at arm's length, keeping enough space between me and them to allow for my rigid and disordered habits. I told them, "I just want to keep you wanting more" in response to questions of "why are you always leaving?". This kept me from worrying if I was ever imposing too much of myself.
Then I started dating a guy who had been my close friend throughout college. Our connection buzzed with flirtatious banter, and I felt that I could talk to him about anything. I broke my "rules" for him: occasionally skipping class to lay in the grassy quad of our college, eating burritos at sunset, and staying asleep in his arms until late morning. Whenever I got up to my old tricks and pulled away, he called me out. I so appreciated this. He didn't let me run, and thus I stayed. I got comfortable with staying and with sharing my life and myself.
This man is still my boyfriend and I wake up every day grateful for him. The feeling of trusting myself with another human is profound. I get to breath easier and exist comfortably in my bones knowing with the knowledge that someone out there loves me unconditionally. This love has inspired me to love myself in the same way, and to BELIEVE that others in my life are there because they choose to be.
So my advice is this: let other people love you and give of yourself to those who do. I am now speaking in regards to all sorts of relationships. In my opinion, there is nothing more electric than the discord of two souls.
