It’s the only companion I have had since I can remember, never really leaving me, whenever it feels like its fading away, comes back stronger or maybe just the same and I’m the one getting stronger?
People always referred to it as ‘a phase’, ‘it’s just childhood’, ‘it’s just adolescence’; the ‘phase’ has always stuck with me, always there to make things harder when it’s already hard to breathe, always there to try to make me forget who I am and what I’m capable of, always fighting against my chances to be ‘normal’…
It was awful when I didn’t even know it existed and got worse when I found out about it and had to put up with people’s opinion: ‘you have to be grateful with the life you have’, ‘others have it worse’, ‘maybe you’re getting your period soon’… I learned to smile and be ‘normal’, to go out every day to do the things I had to do to be considered a respectful member in this society: Got my degree and got a pretty awesome job most people thought I didn’t deserve for being too young, to name a few.
But behind closed doors, when no one is looking and judging, I can be myself, I can acknowledge the fact that I have to deal with a mental illness that’s so common and yet so frowned upon; I don’t harm others, I follow the law, I pay my taxes, I’m as much of a good person as the next one, I only have an extra demon I have to fight.
People don’t talk about it and when they do you can easily see they don’t know what they’re talking about, they don’t say it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to feel lonely, it’s ok to just let yourself die a little, but don’t give up on life.
As hard as it might be at times, try looking at things in a different angle, it doesn’t matter what others think of you or even what they do to you, you don’t need to seek for acceptance or love in others, everything is inside yourself.
As I write this, I’m submerged in the worst time I’ve been through since I can remember, and I’ll be ok, I just know so, it will just take me a little longer. Find yourself a purpose, something that excites you, something you enjoy, it doesn’t matter how much you suck at it at the beginning, do it for yourself.
I’m not ashamed of my depression, it’s just an invisible scar that reminds me every now and then how fucking strong I can be. Keep the hustle.
