At this point I just need an outlet.
I am typing this before my Steemit Account has even been approved. I just really felt the urge to write.
Being here gives me the chance to get a lot off my chest.
Several times before I have started to put pen to paper about these frustrations and the subsequent lessons that I have learned. But I had no platform.
So I thank you whole heartedly for allowing me to join the community. I hope to repay you with stories.
To say that the last few years has been turbulent is an under-statement.
Its been a tornado meeting a volcano.
A lot of the things I will write about, I am totally to blame for. I am my own worst enemy. I allowed all of THIS to happen.
I am a 37 year old Man who is separated from his wife and only sees his beloved Son twice a week. I live with my Mother. Not because I cant look after myself. And not because of the fact that I want to be there. I have to be there.
And it's becoming insufferable.
I know the easy thing to say to me is to “man up” and “stop being a coward” etc and that’s what I would expect to hear.
But I’m British-Pakistani and our culture is different.
Our parents spend their lives guilt-tripping us. So that we are essentially putty in their hands.
My Mother is 66 and has had two strokes. My parents separated when I was 11. My Father wasn’t in my life much after that (which was very rare in the South Indian community)
I am living with my Mother for now because she wouldn't really cope and if I move out. So you see my dilemma.
Always walking a tightrope.
But this isn't about my parents. Its about my ex-wife. The scourge of my life.
At this point I’m wondering what is a good place to start the story.
Our separation has gone through the following cycles.
We hate each other and we swear at each other on texts. Say the most venomous things to each other.
Then we make peace. We act civil for a short while. Then we make “friends” for our “Son’s sake” - and when I say Friends I always believe its Friends. But she starts expecting more from the relationship. I make it clear where we stand. We fight. We hate each other again. And so on in the aforementioned loop.
This is why this isn't the beginning. Its not the end. Its the end of the beginning.
We are about to enter a new phase. uncharted territory. The hate phase is here to stay. Permanently.
It is going to be a long time before we are friends again. This time we are done. And I couldn't be more relieved.
The whole of 2017 has been me rebuilding my existence again.
So I will start the story with details of the latest few episodes that I have been living.
I will call my wife Alisha. So I don't have to suffer from lawsuits (more on this in future stories) Alisha had been stalking my Instagram. She somehow found on someone else’s profile a picture of me standing next to 2 women. I was holding the camera and took a selfie and sent it to one of the women. She had posted it and not even tagged me in the picture. I had not even seen the picture. By the way this was a really innocent picture. We were all just standing. Granted the women were dressed sexily but it was a nightclub in Cheshire - what were they supposed to wear?!! They were wearing the kind of clothes my wife would want to wear and she would only be able to wear while she was with me. Her family would never allow it. She's a “respectable muslim girl” apparently.
Alisha must have gone through my new followers and in particular, the women. And seen the picture.
The whole concept of her stalking me is not a compliment. It is beyond irritating. I feel suffocated and scrutinised. Which sums up our marriage quite nicely.
I was the victim of emotional abuse and was mentally tortured by this woman while we were together. She thrives on control. She literally thinks she’s got an Xbox controller and she is controlling me in a video game. And I must do everything to her command.
The day she saw the picture was a day on which I had my Son staying with me. I only get a Sunday and a Wednesday with him. And I adore him so much I want to spend every minute with him.
The last thing I want to do is be arguing with her on the phone when I could be having fun with my Son. Explaining myself about “who these bitches are” and that it’s “Adultery!”
Adultery? We separated 18 months ago. Get a grip on reality love!
Not only that, I gave her an Islamic Divorce already (another story) and she’s been on muslim marriage sites looking for partners and her status was set to divorced. Granted we need to do the official UK Court divorce to make sure its legal, but for all intents and purposes we are divorced and being friends for our Son’s sake.
Alisha then proceeded to send a private message on Instagram to the girl in question.
I had met this girl on Tinder and we had had 2 dates before. But I hadn't told my wife or publicised it. My private life is my private life.
Some folk will say that I should have been upfront with my wife but I don’t ask her where she goes and who with. I don't see it as any of my business anymore. As long as my Son is safe she can go where she wants.
I have much more spare time than her so I get to have a better time living life. She has our child with her. She is the sole reason I am not with my child 24/7 so she did it to herself.
Now I am outraged that she would text Tara (my date from Tinder). It is so embarrassing to have an ex text abuse at someone you are just dating. How awkward? You know those Tinder profiles that say “no crazy exes?......”
Alisha is that crazy ex!
My lovely ex wife also comments under the picture “He is a married man…. disgusting”
She then starts ringing my phone. I don’t answer so she keeps calling. And keeps calling. She is relentless.
In the past when I didn't used to answer she would call the landline and keep calling. You'd just have a bit of decorum wouldn't you? Like............ don't call the landline?
Eventually I pick up which then starts a debate which never seems to end because she just wants to keep me on the phone because she is feeling like she is losing control again….. in a big way.
She just saw a picture of me with two women. It’s hitting her that everything she said in the past might have been wrong. She’s wounded on a few levels. But mainly - what will her family say? Because that's what matters the most to her. How she will look in front of them.
Its hitting her that I am a catch. And she had me. And she let me go.
Its hitting her that she is replaceable.
She isn't even sure what this picture means but she knows it isn't good.
We argue for hours. And then she tells me that my punishment is that I will not be able to have video calls with my Son any more. Nor will I be getting any pictures of him and updates about his daily routine will be when she deems "necessary."
I don’t think I emphasised just how much I love my Son. I’ve never known love life it.
The minute his conception was discovered I loved him with all my heart. But when I met him for the very first time I was overcome with the emotions that I felt for him. I was totally enamoured.
So for him to be taken away from me after 15 days was too much to bear.
She knows my Son is my weakness so she uses him as ammunition.
Which is the exact reason I am not with her in the first place (another story)
She plays the biggest card she has. The kid.
Thankfully she cant stop me seeing Raheem (my son). I have a court order which she will never try and mess with.
I really do enjoy this by the way. Sorry to go off on a tangent but I do feel quite liberated by being able to share my thoughts.
I might call this book “thoughts and stories”
Some days I will tell you whats currently happening. And trust me, there’s always something to discuss and analyse.
And other days I can tell you about our loco love.
Alisha insists on playing her character perfectly so she does as she said she would.
When I drop him off on Monday morning, she brings a swarm of negative energy with her. The roadway feels so tense that the trees are looking away.
Once I drive off….. Nothing. that entire day. No updates, no pictures. NOTHING.
One thing I will mention now is that Alisha has no-one in her life that will tell her she is doing the wrong thing. She has no girlfriends (well she has now…. again… sort of…. ) and no good people around her talking sense to her.
Everyone around her will applaud her and say “punish him.”
How is it ever “the right thing” to not tell the Father of a child how his Son is doing. I am genuinely interested. I sent at least 4 or 5 texts that day and she ignored them all. At night she texted me to say he had gone to sleep.
That was my lot for the entire 24 hours!
COLD AS ICE.
I want to end this piece on the following thought which all parents should have embedded in their brain.
It is UNACCEPTABLE behaviour to use your child as a pawn against the other parent.
This is a theme I will cover in a lot of my future posts because I have been the victim of it repeatedly.
It’s my humble opinion that regardless of your feelings towards your partner - ex or current - you should never, under ANY circumstances, use your child to hurt your co-parent.
And that would probably be an opinion shared my most civilised people.
It is cruel and can have long term damaging effects on everyone involved.
