I felt a lot of emotions as I attended the GA meeting. An incredible cocktail of shame, excitement, fear, curiousity, necessity, and determination was present in my body. It lasted for the first hour of the meeting. I was the last to speak. It was almost comical sitting there, ruminating, listening, not knowing what was to come out of my mouth.
The urge to cry was present throughout the meeting as I listened to peoples' stories. Yet, when it was my turn to speak I was not overcome with emotion. It was like all of the air I've ever held in my lungs escaped and the first breath of my life entered my lungs.
My GF and I went out for beer and chips post meeting. It was then that I cried describing what I learned and shared at the meeting.
The meeting caused me to realize that the recovery journey will be fucking hard. I will confront the shittiest part of me and allow other people to confront that part as well. I will not be able to control the narrative of my life. I will be exposed.
I always thought that after I shared the gambler aspect of me that I would hate myself, but I don't. I love myself, actually. I feel powerful, and I feel scared, and I feel powerful, and I feel scared. But, at least I'm feeling. It is so much better than the isolation of a computer screen, trying to take money from people at a "game". It is a fresh start and I am making the most of it.
Today is a good day.
