The pockets of the soul

Our emotions are like an ocean: when you think you went deep enough you instantly realize you barely scratched the surface.

We can be carried back in the past in a split of a second just by coming across something familiar: a scent, a sound, a particular scene. I came across something I thought I lost in one of the pockets of my winter coat. I wanted to find a cosy place to put my phone and my fingers reach metal and paper. I am surprised. What could it be? I remove the objects from my pocket and take a look: 5 metalic memories and one piece of folded paper. The kind of paper I needed 2 years ago during lockdown in order to get out for groceries. Two years ago sounds like they happened just yesterday.

The discovery of the metalic objects carried me into the past. A past I still try to forget, make peace with or at least just accept. I stopped and stared. A pang of nostalgy, sadness and awe grabbed me. Pockets. Feelings. Memories. Time.

I asked myself: what if it is the same with the soul? What if we have many hidden pockets inside our heart, just like doors that we try to keep forever closed, trying to throw away the key only to find out that it is more complicated than we thought?

I do not completely understand my past. I am trying to stop ruminating and understand that things can't be changed. I also make conscious efforts to forget and also to heal. Some days are good, some days I still fail and wake up thinking of that person or that event. But as I discovered these tiny objects which carried me instantly to a door I wanted to close, I began to think that maybe the key that we try to use to close down our emotions is not supposed to be thrown away. Maybe the key is healing, and every pocket of pain or sorrow can be understood by going deeper and seek to sit still with our emotions and thoughts about it. They say we should not trust every throught. I believe that because our mind is a ruthless tireless thought producing machine. We can think and rethink about what we think over and over again and this habit can only cause us suffering.

I am keeping objects that some could say I should throw away. Maybe it is a sign that I still have healing to do. Maybe it is a sign that I will become less triggered by the sight of them if I keep them. But this discovery made me realize how many pockets my soul still has left undiscovered and not yet understood. It is like when snowflakes cover an object. You look at it and think " oh wow such a clean canvas". But the snow melts and shows you that there were things underneath, unseen, undiscovered when you live in the winters of the soul.