7th of December 2021. My first snow. I will remember this date as it is the first time in a long time since I've ever been so happy to see snow.
Huge chunky fat snowflakes. I let them fly, slowly descending on my palms. I reach out with my glove and witness a geometric perfection in miniature. I am no longer a 31 years old woman, I am a child enjoying snow and being in awe while the biggest secret of the Universe seems to be trapped in these flakes. Please don't melt, just hang in there, let me enjoy this a little longer!
I relinquish any ideas about what people might think and just look up in the sky. It is raining snow. I stare. I stop.I smile. I laugh. I just stare and I wish I would not have the pandemic friendly mask so I could stick my tongue out and taste them.
I missed this. There have been some years since I haven't seen proper snow in my city.
But why this year's snow feels so different? Why is it so special? Why am I feeling like a child all over again and yet this is the best feeling in the world?
I have a place I can call my home. I have a bed I can sleep on. I can breathe and I am healthy. I have the freedom and peace I desperately needed. I have self-love and God. I feel reborn. I feel like a new me is seeing and experiencing this snow. I don't remember everything that has happened in my life. But I remember my REAL firsts. The first real kiss. The first real friendship, the first real heartbreak. The first real hug. The first real everything. Tonight this felt like the first real snow. Because I was in the moment. Present. Stopping to just admire how awesome this Planet I am at is.
It is funny that the older you grow the less you care about what people think and the more real you allow yourself to be. You know we are all going to die right? So in the end it only matters to have lived a life that you are proud of. I feel proud to often stop and look at the sky and at the stars. I feel proud for having allowed to feel love even if it has hurt. I feel proud for giving it all I had and saying everybody what I really thought, no matter if I was perceived as a weirdo. I feel proud for discovering that what truly matters is my relationship with God and with myself, my journey on this Planet as a human being trying to be the best version day by day. I feel proud for wearing whatever I feel like wearing and not caring about how people look at me. I love my boots, my colorful outfits and my gloves...
I have my favorite pair of gloves which remind me of a happy childhood I wish I had: one -finger -wool -gloves. Bulky and totally out of fashion and probably weird to see an adult wearing them. I love them. They make me be in touch with my inner kid and this allows me to recreate a feeling of self acceptance.
Snowflakes covered the city and my soul.
They melted away and they flew through my veins ready to be put in a mental drawer. I wonder how many people really enjoyed the snow like it would have been the first time. I now get it why kids are so happy: for a while, they look at every miracle as happening for the very first time. What a wonderful way to look at life! We should observe kids more often and learn from them, from time to time it might not be so bad to stare at the sky and smile while tasting snowflakes. Yum yum, now this is good life!
