20th of september 2022. It was an early morning in Denmark and I was waiting for my bus back to Romania. In that very moment, looking at the sky, I knew I had to let go of the past, to give up an illusion I was holding on to and to decide to start a new life alone.When you see in the movies how long it takes someone to finally decide to become a different person you are tempted to believe it is all just drama. When you see amazing life stories, you can't believe what some people had to endure. But as I had to go through the process in real life I can confirm that healing and revelations come at the right time and often after long periods of suffering and ruminating.
Let's start with the beginning though. I had no plans to be in Denmark in 2022. I have left my home country in June , going alone to Germany in the pursuit for a better paid job (in comparison to Romania) in order to fulfill my dream of becoming a tattoo artist. In my mind it was supposed to be simple and it was all about gathering funds. I was wrong. The job I left for was not a glamorous one and it involved heavy work in cleaning and kitchen chores in a hotel. The owner was not that honest when I arrived and I ended up leaving sooner than I thought. I would never go back to a toxic work environment, where bosses try to pay you less and exploit you. I was alone and little did I knew that some romanians actually earn money if they bring new people to work in a hotel, regardless of how poorly their friends are treated. It feels like you have been sold for pennies, believing a lie, while your "friend" gets their affiliate share. For some it is a serious business and somehow they think that this is the way to make more money to get out of their own misery. For me it was a sad thing to experience and it made me trust people even less but also have compassion for those who act this way. If they knew better they would had done better.I am happy though that I did not lose my faith in God and in the fact that there are still good people somewhere, out there. Now that I look back I can see how the Universe directed me toward a better solution by closing that door. The failure was in fact a blessing.
I had to go back to Romania again and figure things out. I felt like a failure. I called my best friend and cried with her at the phone, feeling like I had to let someone know how my despair felt: like a void I was being sucked into, incapable of getting out. I closed my business, came back home with less money, had all my expectations going down the drain. What could I do next? Where should I head up to? I have given up everything and here I was, crying my heart out in my place, feeling like I had no purpose. I am sharing the reality of my story because I am sure that somewhere someone going through hardship will be inspired. I hope it will help anyone struggling right now.
My best friend managed to soothe me and I instantly knew what I was going to do. Before leaving to Germany I texted to a lot of tattoo salons all over Europe and Romania searching for a PAID tattoo apprenticeship. All I had was my art portfolio and lots of balls to text big salons. Many owners laughed in e-mails, saying that no one ever pays an apprentice. They are there to mop the floor and be the little slave of the salon. I refused to believe that. One salon from Denmark replied back, welcoming me. They offered free accomodation for one week , allowing me to get to know the team and decide if I was willing to be a paid apprentice there. Yes, a tattoo salon was actually willing to pay an apprentice. I was afraid I would run out of funds with going to Germany and Denmark so I passed down, saying I would go in september or october. I was furious on myself upon returning from Germany, wondering what would have happened if I would have tried to go there first instead of Germany. My inner critic was ruthless.
Here I was, crying and feeling like a failure in my room, angry and harsh on myself. I removed my tears and texted the salon and searched for bus tickets (I was afraid to fly by plane alone lol). I was all in. It was then when I decided that I had to offer this chance to MYSELF. I had a magnet on my fridge which I received from a friend. It said follow your dreams and make your own destiny. I followed my intuition and went for it.
The salon from Denmark replied. They said yes. I went. I spent 1 week there. I loved it.
I loved the sea. It was my first time when I saw the sea, dipping my hands into the ocean. Often I dreamed as a child that my father would take me or my sister there. He never did. Often I dreamed some of my former lovers would take me there. They never did. Now I was proud knowing I have given myself the love and care I was always expecting the wrong people to give it to me. I felt I was taking the little 8 years old Mary to the sea, helping her heal from years of trauma and emotional neglect. The moment was so intense I had tears in my eyes and I still get teary when I write about it. I will never forget the solo trip to the sea.
In solving our childhood trauma we will have to reparent ourselves, to give our inner child everything our parents didn't. Ironic enough, I have offered many years this reparenting to others, by overloving and overgiving when instead I should have done that toward myself.
On 20th of september the exploring week ended and I realized that I will have to plan my move to Denmark and that I will start a new life in here, for as long as it is destined to be. I was still holding on to some things of the past, to some people. To one person.I realized that I caused my own suffering because I was holding on to an illusion. To the person I thought they were or they could have been, lying to myself that maybe,maybe one day they will change or something will change. Foolish I know. But it is ok, I am not ashamed to admit I have flaws when it comes to emotions.
I remember carrying with me a small baby orchid I took in Germany all over the places I have been. It was a gift I still cared about but also a proof of my lingering and holding on .I took it knowing it will not survive left unattended at home and also took it because I had an emotional attachment. An unhealthy one, the kind of attachment which prevents you from healing or opening your heart to other new people. It became like a little pet lol, something I took with me abroad to get a feeling I am not alone, something which felt familiar. Going through so many adversities in Germany and carring this baby orchid with me was actually helpful in a very weird way. This little one survived through many changes, I am surprised. It is the only orchid which still survived as I am not so good with orchid care. I decided I will also take with me in Denmark. But with a different mindset than before and without attachment.
Anyway , something clicked in my mind in the morning of 20th of september waiting for my bus and knowing I will move to Denmark. I started to just look at my life and at that person I was holding onto like it was a silent movie. I opened my eyes and saw everything it did not happen and it should have . I saw I was holding on because I was hoping that the nasty things were an exception. I saw that I was holding on to the illusion I was loved or even cared for. I realized in that moment I was holding on out of hurt , out of the abandonment and betrayal wound inflicted by my abusive father, who primed me to believe that love is about emotional abuse, silent treatment, breadcrumbs, no boundaries and rejection. The catch 22 is to get out of this mindset and realize I am no longer a helpless child and that I have the power to rewire my brain and learn healthy emotional patterns all over again. Reprogramming our emotional mind is the key because I realize that if I would continue to function in the same parameters I would make the same mistakes as my parents. I am proud to realize this as I see that this is something a lot of adults struggle with , without being aware of the source of the problems. The damage was done in childhood, it is our responsibility to heal in order to build better relationships.
I now realize that love is when people choose you instead of their exes, anger and ego.I now realize that love is when people are in your life when it gets hard and they choose to stay and heal wounds together. I now realize that love is something that people do constantly, not once in a while or when it is convenient.
The problem all along was me. I have chosen these guys in my life. Emotionally unavailable, with issues. Either about exes, mothers, fathers, anger, cheating,etc. I have hand picked them. Me. Now I realize they only mirrored my own wounds and if I was to heal I had to change myself and my choices. I have also hurt the guys I have been with too, acting out of my own wounds. In their version of the story I am entirely the bad one. In every story someone points toward the other. I have realized that pointing the finger toward myself was a faster way to healing. I wonder how many guys realize that when they are abusive toward women they try to punish their controlling mother because they have not solved trauma inflicted by her in their childhood or because they have adopted their father's anger as a coping mechanism. I wonder how many women realize that they try to punish their father when they treat men badly because of the same wounds or because they have adopted their mother's coping mechanism which is a cold criticizing demeanour. Neither of those attitudes are good.
I look in the mirror and see my father and mother in me, I accept it now but I also realize I do not want to be like any of them. I want to be different and make better choices. I want to be Me. Many of us are actually not acting like ourselves, we copy our parents and do to others what has been done to us. If your parents abused you emotionally or physically at one point in life you will do that to another if you are not self aware. If you experienced bullying and neglect you will bully and neglect. It takes an awakening to realize that you are acting out of trauma and then you have to accept to see the imperfection of your parents, to stop normalizing abuse as "this is what happened to most kids" (in Romania getting beated as a kid is normalized) and choose to heal and deal with the parents from where you are now: an adult with a word to say, not a helpless obedient child. This is hard , but it is worth it.
Although it hurts so bad to let go to someone you have attached of so much mentally and emotionally, it is the only way to heal. The clearest indication of whether people love you or not is what they do to have you in their lives. Period. Everything else are just words in the wind , wishful thinking and daydreaming. For you to grow old with someone, that someone has to be physically and emotionally present in your life. To respect you and cherish you.You build a life with what is real, not with an illusion and this was harsh to accept for the not healed version of me.
I judge no one who is still in this kind of healing process as I know how tough it was for me to realize the ugly truth that I loved an illusion. I wish to all people, wherever they might be and suffering after someone, to have a powerful revelation like I did in that morning. That in order to change your life you have to change yourself and be willing to let go to what you wished someone to be or do toward you. Blocking , resentment, lingering, wishful thinking and crying alone never helps. Reality is what it IS and not what could have been. The present moment will tell you everything you have to know. Are they there with you in your toughest moments? Did they actually DO something to change the situation?Or is it just you, God and the mighty sky? I lied to myself many years , allowing all sorts of negative people in my life. Including relatives. I must warn you that once you decide to change yourself you will also have to let go to many illusions, friendships and associations with people who no longer belong in your life. It is scary. You might feel alone and like no one else is left. Keep going. Expand your circle. Explore. Go out of the comfort zone. And if you can, go out from the places where you have been hurt. Change the city, the job, the friends. You can't heal where you have been made to suffer. Your abuser can be your mother, your father, a sister or a brother. A boss or your friend . A coworker or a childhood friend.Or all at once. In my case it was good that I left my home town more than 10 years ago. The only downside is that you carry the unresolved trauma too, which is still up to you to solve. I now realize that all of my former lovers showed me how unhealed I was. In a weird twisted way all the bad was good, in the idea that it made me awaken spiritually and realize who I am and who I want to be. If I were to now look in the eyes of an ex I would feel nothing but gratitude and love. I would say a big Thank You as I am now aware that their temporary presence in my life, with all of the suffering, was a crucial part in my journey toward becoming Myself. They had to learn something about themselves from me and I had to learn something about myself from them. The Universe is in perfect order even when you can be tempted to think your life is in chaos.
I am 32 years old and I feel I barely started to know and appreciate myself. My true self, the one under the trauma and under the lack of self love I have been living under for far too long. My true self which is far from what my parents or society wanted me to be. I look back and see how much I tormented my own soul by staying in unloving relationships, places, friendships etc. I did not know my worth! I look back and sadly see how much I might have tormented others because of my unhealed wounds and also allow them to hurt me over and over again. Emotional warfare is exhausting in unhealthy relationships, it leaves both people even more wounded than they were unless they awaken and realize that the person in front of them only shows them their own unresolved trauma.
I have no certainty of how long my life will be or when it will end. But I feel that with each day when I start to love myself more I get a glimpse of what I should have interpreted as love and in this regard I make baby steps, realizing that maybe I have not even met real love as being loved for who I am and cared for. I have not met that because I had to first learn how to love myself . It is an important journey which , somehow, starts in Denmark with me becoming a tattoo artist and pursuing my dream. For the moment I am proud that I went abroad alone in Germany and Denmark with no one by my side, and that I pushed further ( it was tough and I failed many times and I had no back -up plan, not very wise lol but it made me stronger).
I enjoy my single life while I am healing and I am open to love again when it will feel right, safe, caring and nurturing and peaceful. I sometimes have days when I feel that I still have a lot of love to give and how nice it would be in the future to have a family of my own, trying to share from my own wisdom to my kids and share a life's journey with a reliable loving partner. These flashes remind me that life can feel like a fresh start when you change your perspective. I am a cuddly teddy bear by nature so I do trust that the Universe will bring to me another cuddle buddy as a lifelong partner. I have found a great help in listening to Joe Dispenza, Wayne Dyer, Bob Proctor, RC Blakes and some romanian personalities like Niculina Gheorghita, Constantin Dulcan and Ana Ducuta , all of them giving valuable advices for people who want to overcome their limiting beliefs. I am aware that for many years my limiting belief was that love is pain and that it is hard to find. I no longer stick to this belief.
I also realized a new thing about me. I can understand why for so many years I yearned to built something together with a possible partner. Why , despite that person owning property, I wanted OUR own. It is an attempt to recreate what I have not seen in my family: a unity, a common desire to build something, the connection shared by two people when they know how hard has been the journey. I still have this desire now and this is why I will be focused more on experiences and self growth rather than material possesions until I will meet someone. I think it is fun when two people are willing to start from scratch and see what they can build. Maybe a part of the healing also comes from the entire process of holding to a common dream. I have many dreams and I know I can accomplish some of them alone...but where is the fun and the joy when the moment you reach victory no one is there to share it with?
Looking back, my 8 year old self would hug me out now, thanking me that finally someone trusts her and loves her enough to encourage her dreams. Now I would hug her back too telling her she is loved and I am here all the way, she's not alone anymore. She is loved, she is brave and a tough creative fuzzy curly cookie. Go Mary, go!馃
Why I share the emotional story behind my progress? Well it is because the subconcious will rule your life unless you awaken spiritually and question your whole choices up until that point. Stop. Breathe. Look around. Do you like your life up until now? Do you want the next 10 years to be the same? Do you know you are in this point just because of your thoughts and actions? Pause. Think. Make a new strategy and decide you have to shed the old self and rewire an entire neural network as an adult. It is never too late. I am 32, I went through a lot. And I reinvent myself daily. I learn to take better tough decisions. If I can do it, so can you.
I am proud that this time I bought plane tickets and that I will be brave enough to fly solo to Denmark. In the upcoming days I will say bye bye again to my home country and embark on a new journey. One of my many future goals will be to get my motorcycle license and travel solo around the world. I bought the book with the rules and tests. First step is done. I know that manifesting is all about vizualization. I strongly believe in the power of the quantum field. I have a list of new dreams I will be achieving.
For your inner child who wants ADVENTURE & FREEDOM. A gift for my self
I am so grateful that I used this time back home to create, draw, get an Ipad (my Marty) and be with myself. I went often in nature and fell in love with photography again. I reconnected with myself by being by myself without a 9 to 5 job , without pushing for the things I wanted to happen. I grew spiritually. I am grateful I trusted God and did not panick. I followed my intuition and it was exactly what I needed.
While I had all of this rollercoaster of emotions in the last months, there are some "revelations" which I had during the whole process. I will share some of them below, maybe it helps someone:
Having no job and a financial safety net is something every person should experience at least once in a lifetime. Once you get out of the rat wheel you can question about what you Really want to do with your life as if you were to have very little time left to live
Your self worth is not about the job, the status, the things you have. It is about how you feel with yourself when no one else is in the room
I can better understand human anger, depression, resentment and negativity as I can understand how a lack of security can make anyone fall into negative thinking patterns and not be themselves. When someone was or is bad with you, have compassion. If they would know better they would do better.
The power of at least one true genuine friend to confide in is priceless. You can cry with them and feel ok to be vulnerable.. If you've got that someone in your life, you are blessed. It is the quality and not the quantity of friends which matters. I am now proud to be that person with very few friends. I trust their loyalty and character, they believed in me now more than ever
What you desire is beyond the fear which is holding you back.
If you want something you never had you have to do something you never did. You also have to become someone you never were.
Change is the only constant in life
The door destined for you will open easily. What is meant for you shall come to you at an appointed divine time. Trust God's timing.
The Universe is abundant. I once thought I had to chase a tough job, to struggle to get what I want, to go through a lot of pain for the gain. Now I see the law of vibration as the core of existence. Once you change your vibration everything comes to you. You no longer chase, you attract
Let go and let God
Amen!