Do you like tough conversations, the kind of talks you dread to have because you fear the outcome? Of course you don't, nobody likes to have them, people prefer the agony of beating around the bush for decades than to face their biggest fear: sincere adult conversation. If you put the family in this mix it gets even more frustrating and scary.
I have known families where people stopped talking with each other if one member dared to speak their mind. The inner child fears of being excluded by their family if they choose to confront mommy or daddy so they prefer agonising silence. Conflict is passed down to generations, only for the kids to know that "we don't speak with them because mom and dad got into a fight about something". Case closed. Utter silence.
The families where silence is a norm are the most unhappy. They sit without talking about what matters and they ooze sadness and anger. The product of such families are angry miserable kids. Inside. The adult will never have the courage to take charge and face mom or dad about important issues, about how they might be wrong or hurtful. The anger goes outward, towards other people while the family remains silent. I have been in such a medium. It is dreadful. I have been angry a lot and I have dealt with angry people too. Not having the courage to stand up and speak the truth is damaging. Nobody should be allowed to pretend they are the biggest authority just because they have a parent tag. Parents are people, parents made mistakes and we as adults are entitled to speak our mind. Respect is earned because of the right attitude, not because of the old age. I find it sad and immature to hear that all old people must be respected no matter how they behave. Do we have to remember the biggest horrors done by men in the name of authority? Parents beat or abuse their childs in name of authority, parents criticize their child in name of authority, parents exclude and belittle their child in name of authority, parents sabotage their offspring's romantic relationships. All in the name of authority.
" If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear."(George Orwell)
How free are you in your own family? Have you opened the pandora box? Have you dared to step out of the good boy/girl role and have an adult to adult conversation with your parents? Have you told them about how they have hurt you, have you told them that you do not approve all of their decisions? Tough conversations require tough character. It is easy to bottle it up and be angry on someone else, make others pay for your trauma. But is it fair? Is it fair to make someone fall in love with you when you know you have unresolved issues? Is it fair to sit in denial and live your entire life in unexpressed sadness?
Freedom is about speaking your mind and being ok with the outcome. If in a family speaking your mind means exclusions, nervous breakdowns of parents or threathening, it means that the dynamics are all off and you are sitting at a table where love has not been served for far too long. Why have tough conversations? Because you don't want to have a tough life. If you want an easy existence you have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable. You have to embrace the freedom instead of the safe shackles of comfort.
I want to have my own children and I am sure somewhere many want them too. I want my own family. We all want to make a better job when having our own families than our parents did. Do you want to behave 100% like your dad? Do you really want to be a copy of your mom? The tough job has to be done before engaging in relationships because unsaid things affect marriages, children, lives. It is not fair towards the future generations for the trauma to be passed on by us. By denying our own freedom we deny it to our future lover and children. We can't progress inside a relationship more than we did in our family of origin. When at the family dinner the soup of silence will be replaced with a glass of freedom of speech, the table will change. There might be a few earthquakes and attempts to resist the change. But if the effort leads to replacing an old menu which made everyone sick inside, it's worth skipping that darn soup. You've been eating it for far too long anyway.
This is my latest article from my personal blog
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