Engage on Hive: Who am I?

Who am I? This is one question that would have a fast answer consisting in a couple of fancy adjectives. People can say so many things about themselves, often exaggerating their qualities and hiding their imperfections. It is so easy to be taken away by edited photos, glamorous settings and pompous words. I believe that someone's character is something to be revealed slowly. Especially in difficult times or when people do not have something to gain.

I have found it particularly helpful to check people's character, including mine, in competitions. When two or more people compete for power, gains, rewards, you can see how brutal it can become. Our life is a struggle and look at the dirty games some might be playing to get an upper hand. The thing is that a competition reveals it all. Just like in chess, every move shows a tactic, a behaviour, a mentality. A self.

I started to get a taste of competition when I participated in my first drawing contest. I was such a baby in the morning of my competition, cried a full hour to convince my grandmother to buy me a new set of aquarelles which, in my head, were a must if I were to present myself to an official contest. I was a child, scared, insecure, wanting to show off my best. I was not aware that I already had the stuff to win:talent. After my successful kid drama moment, I was feeling proud to go there with new colours. I did not want people to see my dirty set of colors. I thought that a new set is the winning key. Oh Mary Mary....

I did not get first place. Only second. But I loved the experience. I loved the way a competition made me feel. The adrenaline, the push to create, to be better. At the middle of the whole thing, I realised I was actually in competition with myself. The other kids dissapeared and it was just me. A paper, my mind and my aquarelles. It was magic. Time flew by. At the end I felt so alive, like I could have conquered the world. The diploma that I got was so special. It is up until today. My first ever moment with my inner self in a competition. A proof that I was ready to show my talent and let others judge me without being worried. I was nervous like hell, my cheeks turned red and I had that jumping rabbit feeling in my chest. If you could bottle this thing up and make a soda drink, it would be the best energizer ever. You are so alive after such a thing. 20th of may 2000. It has been 20 years since then and I am only beginning to get better in competing with myself. Funny coincidence to post this in the month of may. I would not have seen it coming, seems almost like a celebration. Haha🤔

After my first taste of this....Guess what? I wanted more. It did help me that I was a nerdy child. My nose was (still is) mostly in books. I loved to read stories and to imagine scenarios of how would they look like if I were to paint them. I had flashes of entire possible paintings in seconds. It still happens to me today.

At school I loved literature. I devoured books like chocolate. I became so commited that even in summer holidays I had made for myself a schedule of reading. I was taking notes and loved it. I felt in my own element. My grandmother made serious efforts to make me try to enjoy life more like a child than a writer/reader. But for me it wasn't bad. It was fun. My brain absorbed the information like a sponge.

I have a collection of 44 diplomas from all my competitions, local and national. Literature, chemistry, physics, my favourite things to do. Funny thing, I did not feel an urge to try to participate more in art contests, I decided to pursue it just for my fun. I no longer needed validation.

My school still has some of my drawings on their walls. I was the pride of the school and of the teachers. It came with a price:social exclusion. I did not feel I could bond with other kids, I was categorised as a nerd and a misunderstood and into her own world kiddo. I longed for someone to reach out to me, beyond my diplomas and my accomplishments. Beyond my hard shell. I longed for emotional and intellectual connection with kids who lived their childhood while my mind was a bit more ahead. I never felt I had it... It was tough.

Behind the diplomas there are many hours of solitary study and work. Many hours of loneliness. Sometimes I enjoyed it, sometimes... I wondered... Is it something wrong with me, should I be like other kids? I was torn for a while until I no longer cared. Especially after my parents divorced. I developed a strong sense of resilience and realised one thing:it is very lonely at the top! Performance and victories come hard and only when you are truly deserving. Day after day after day. This post is not about my many diplomas. It isn't about me being somehow different. It isn't about getting validation. This post is about the power of work. The power of commitment. The power to stay up in the night just because you have to get it done. The power to wake up in the morning and follow your routine and finding pleasure in it. The power of resisting judgement and the need to appear cool.

Who am I? I am a lot of work. And people can take this just the way they like it. Because I know that in the end all that matters is the quality of my character that makes me sleep at night. The good stuff, I can feel it, will come along the way.

This post was inspired by @galenkp. I congratulate also @abh12345, @tarazkp and @meesterboom for this original way of getting so many people to tell a story.