Comedy Open Mic - Round 35 - Winners' post

The Comedy Open Mic Comedy Contest Court Jester for Round 35:

My fondest memories of childhood centred around video games, mistaking my neighbour's stached condoms for balloons( and filling them up with water till they looked like bloated dicks) and my dad's Halloween story.
Now my dad was a sort of eccentric individual, he had weird habits that included the proverbial business trips with his ever changing secretaries, he was perpetually drunk at home and he referred to mum as his "pet elephant". Despite all this, he was my hero.

Mum idolized him to a fault; she'd always tell me stories of his greatness every time I start feeling sad about his frequent absence, plus his stories every time Halloween comes around always left me either speechless, dumbfounded, literally petrified or all of the above at once.

It's been 20 years but the memory is suck in my head; my dad walked in as he usually does after a night of drinking fuck all. He was havering from the moment he got in and it was loud too, I was already used to this and it wasn't like he was violent so there was really nothing to be scared off. He came into my room and uncharacteristically asked me if I'd like to take a walk with him into the woods, this was a weird request but I hardly ever got to spend time with him so I jumped at the opportunity.

Halloween stories came daily for me, while other kids had to wait for paedophiles to take them into the woods, roast marshmallows and share camp stories while being fingered, I had my dad, a constant dose of scariness. Right out back of the house was a large stretch of forest land, there were probably snakes, wild animals and worst of all animal droppings on the ground but that didn't deter my dad, out we went into the woods in search of this Halloween adventure.

We got out back and began our stroll, the security lights from the house made the initial quiet walk less scary but as we got deeper and deeper into the Forrest, I noticed the darkness. A chill ran through my spine and then I realised I probably should have taken the jacket my mum offered me. As we walked he said this scenario reminded him of a story, "which story sir?" I replied. A Bible story son, he continued; You see there was this man who had waited almost 100 years but didn't have a kid despite God promising him that he will be the father of many generations. After waiting for so long, his 90 year old wife somehow gave birth to a son. When his son was about your age, God told this particular man to take his only son deep into the woods in the middle of the night and sacrifice him. My eyes lit up and a lightning flashed across the skyline as my eyes and his locked for a brief moment and he cracked half a smile. Despite my childish inquisitive nature then, I momentarily retreated to a pensive state.

What ensued was a brief moment of silence, the night became colder and his grip felt tighter, all sorts of thoughts were runnig through my mind as the sound of an owl pierced the silence and startled me. "You soft kids these days, back in our days, we used to hunt owls". I remember one time while I was out with your uncle @trumpman on one of our numerous hunting trips, we discovered a dead body in the Forrest. Strange things began to happen in this very town since. Legend has it that the body belonged to a certain Emeka B. Gilik. " what sort of name is that?" I enquired, "he was what we call black polish, a black man from Poland". Well the legend has it that he was murdered in cold blood in this exact spot where you stand by his own father and that until today, his spirit wanders through the land, tormenting people and inducing parents to mysteriously kill their children. There was a thunderclap at the exact moment he said " its just a legend anyways"

We got to a tree stump and he said this is our stop. The night became even colder as he brought out a big black plastic sheet from his pocket. A teardrop streamed down my face as I winced in fear, petrified to my bones, I was still watching as he spread it carefully on the ground. He looked at me and said "okay, this is the spot". Then laid down and faced the sky. He requested I lay beside him and I obeyed. He pointed at the stars and said " look son, you're one of them", Dipped his hand into his pocket and got out two snickers bars "don't tell mum I let you eat candy by this time" and always remember, you're my son, you came out of my balls and I love you the same way I love my balls, remember this when I'm no longer with you. We laid there for a couple of minutes talking about random stuffs and it felt really good.

The walk back home was less uncomfortable, mum left the back door open so we got in quietly, he tucked me in and told me goodnight. Little did I know that that was the last time I'd ever get to see him. He went to war and all we got was a flag, that still hangs over the fire place today.

Disclaimer: We're not big on Halloween in my country and is totally not even considered a holiday in my immediate environment so I did the best I could. Thanx for reading.

The remaining winners, as well as those from last week (Sorry about that) are in a comment below. Please laugh generously

The remaining prizes will be announced in the comment under this post.

Come say "Hi" to the judges or get tips on improving or just chat with other contestants. We have opened up a ComedyOpenMic discord channel, Click Here. Don't be shy, come say "hi".

Round 36 is now under way so remember to put in your entries, upvote our contestants and share the laughs all over steemit and beyond!!

Over 35 weeks we have managed to give away >3000 SBD and 338 Steem (current value of >$3,150USD, at time of posting). So don't forget to keep upvoting

@comedyopenmic when you see it. The more upvotes we get, the more we will give away.

@ComedyOpenMic is the Proud Sponsor of @ProjectGiving

_{@ProjectGiving uses the power of the Steem Blockchain to raise exposure and funds for small scale non-profit initiatives around the world. Click on the banner to learn more about this week's fundraiser for: Yokaenso, a Tanzanian non-profit which seeks to create an ecologically sustainable community.}

Click To Vote @ComedyOpenMic For Witness And Disrupt The Steem Blockchain With Laughter!

_{Thank you to @matytan for the great banner}