I bet you thought that friends and loved ones would come rushing our way once they learn about our cancer diagnosis. Well, you are wrong, sadly. At first, of course there is the sympathetic voice on the other end of the phone, but don’t let that fool you! I am talking about the phenomenon known as ‘Cancer Ghosting’. Yes, you read correctly. Cancer patients get dumped by some loved ones once they disclose their diagnosis. It is more common than you might think and can be extremely hurtful to the ‘dumpee’.
(Image by Tom from Pixabay)
At the beginning of my diagnosis (Stage 3 Early Onset Colon Cancer), everyone was very supportive. Dare I say, certain friends seemed to be in competition to curry my favour as the gifts were frequent and to be honest, wonderful. I felt so loved and supported. However, once my diagnosis jumped from Stage 3 to incurable, inoperable Stage 4, two particular friends stopped replying to my texts or answering my phone calls, at the same time no less. Now, this hurt but what really drove the dagger in for me, was that these women’s kids were BFFs of my own son, who was 6 years old at the time. So, the hurt doubled or more because my son suffered also. The playdates stopped. The gifts, invites and meals disappeared. It was hard to go from these women being “super friends” of mine to completely disappearing from our lives because I had the sad kind of cancer. My son was so lonely. I wanted to kill them- metaphorically speaking. If I had run into them, I do not know what I would have done. Funnily enough, I have never run into them on the street or in a shop since. It is like some hand of providence is guiding me away from them. I nearly started name-calling here, but I’ll be mature and refrain from doing so.
(Image by Alexa from Pixabay)
I suppose my first reaction to all of this, once what had happened sank in, was that these people were incredibly insincere and shallow. They were the type of people who were only concerned with their own egomaniacal morality whereby they one- upped each other to earn the friendship crown when I had curable cancer. I really was going to be fine as my oncologist had told me “Your prognosis is good.” However, once things went array and I was the dreaded incurable, we were dropped like a contagion. You could have sworn Cancer was Covid. And I am not the only one! Since my diagnosis, I have got to know so many cancer patients who tell me their spouse/partner/oldest friend vanished without a trace upon learning of ‘the diagnosis’. When it happened to me, I was so embarrassed at my own obvious lack of judgement, I could hardly speak. I mean I thought I was a better judge of character than this.
If this sounds familiar to you, then know that this happens to most patients. You are not alone in experiencing this. It is not your fault. Illness is a real part of being alive. This is more to do with their inability to face the reality of life than anything to do with you. In the vacuum they created by their departure, there is room for others to raise you up and support you. So, keep a look out- you won’t be disappointed. For example, I watched how my beautiful son reached out and made friends with other kids whose parents were and still are unfazed by my diagnosis. They issue invites and playdates galore. They do not promise the world but what they do offer is practical aid which makes our lives so much easier and far more joyful for my son. Through my son’s tenacity I learnt that I too had an opportunity to reach out anew and find friends that would enrich my life rather than hurt it. I am so glad to say that I have. I reached out to a local yoga studio for 1:1 class and was told of another patient just like me. We connected and from there others came. Then we were nine. Nine women with Stage 4 Bowel Cancer, all within a 30-minute drive of each other. Together we have supported, loved and nurtured each other. As of today, three of us have passed away leaving the remaining six to comfort each other. Together we have set up a support group for other Bowel Cancer patients. We, with The Marie Keating Foundation* have hosted, and co- hosted seminars with experts in Oncology and we continue to raise awareness of Young People’s Colorectal (Bowel) Cancer in our country, Ireland.
With all this abundance, I can see that those women who dumped me, did me a huge favour. I believe that rather than face my diagnosis with me, they chose a path that they believe will protect them and theirs. Will it work? Well, hardly. Do I blame them? I may do, the odd random day, but most of the time, I pivot in awe towards my fellow cancer friends who despite their challenges live each day to the fullest. They inspire me every day.
(Photoshoot with my #BowelCancerIreland friends and me. 3 of us couldn't do it that day)
Lucky? “Have you dropped Acid?” I hear you ask. Well, I drop a lot of drugs these days but not Acid. God only knows what kind of trips I would have! However, I do feel lucky because I have a wonderful husband, son and family. I stuck gold there and every moment I thank all deities for them- I told you I was superstitious (ref. previous blog). An old friend of once advised me to “edit the shit out of your life” or as my mum would put it, “Avoid vexations to your spirit!” I think it’s the best advice I ever got. Pick your friends and lovers as wisely, because they reflect your self-worth. If they do not cherish you, run a mile. You never know when you will need them. Today, I need my family so much I cannot describe. They show me so much love, support and nurturing that I often pinch myself to see if I am dreaming. They are my Heaven on Earth. That is why I want to stay so badly. So, very badly.
*Marie Keating Foundation was established in honour of Westlife’s Ronan Keating’s mother and was run until recently by his remarkable sister Linda.
