One thing I have to be constantly mindful of is that the map is not the territory. This has been a recurring theme in my life and probably one of the best concepts that I've worked to integrate from psychology, whereas most of my self work tends to relate to philosophy. I have done the psychology thing too, and like all things, it needs balance. Let's talk about that today.
A little over 5 years ago I found myself coming to the realization that my mind was not reality. It was a pretty daunting revelation and led to everything that's come afterwards. Caring about people as opposed to the ideas of them that I build up in my mind. Learning how to break down my assumptions and expectations that I put on others and life in general. Many other things, no real need to rehash everything again as that would just be another circle my Virgo brain is prone to. Just one more trip on the Merry-Go-Round!
I'm grateful for the lessons that have come out of that experience and I work daily to be mindful of them and use them to better myself. This is the positive aspect of self improvement. This is the journey. All of this is good and something I feel I need to practice for as long as I'm here. Okay we can kill the post here, problem solved. Thanks for coming out! But wait there's more...
Having an overly-critical mind that is prone to try to think it's way out of every problem instead of pushing through the problems I encounter can lead to a dark side of "self-improvement." When one focuses too heavily on everything perceived as 'wrong' or 'broken' that needs fixing, it's easy to start building up some destination in the mind. Some idealized version of oneself. The "uber-man" to replace the 'god-like' figure that religions instill in their followers.
It's important to be mindful that we are never that destination. That destination is an ideal and while striving to embody those ideals can be beneficial to self-improvement and growth, they can also be a trap. It's not bad to want to be better or strive to do better. It's also not healthy to beat yourself up and break yourself down when you find yourself lacking of meeting these ideals.
I forget that a lot. If anyone has ever interacted with me and thought I was an asshole, just know that nothing you've seen compares to the self-destructive assaults I wage on myself when I get stuck in my own head. It's not something I'm proud of, but it is what it is. It's not all bad though either, it's the reason I always strive to do and be better. Balancing that with realistic expectations of myself should be the goal, not destroying a critical facet of myself that is a defining part of my journey.
With self-reflection, it becomes apparent I was actually doing that on some level for the last couple of years. It's easy to detach myself from others and let go of them. It's easy to build up walls and pull myself back into my shell where nothing can hurt me. Except of course myself. That fucker is always there. I suppose it's a bit of the 'devil you know' analogy eh?
I've decided to stop doing that. It's the easier thing to do, but who wants life with no challenge? Having no challenge in life leads to a severe lack of meaning and I find myself doing stupid things that are not congruent with my core self and ideals, like working jobs I hate just to keep surviving. Like not taking the chance to really get to know people and connect with them because there's no way to do harm if we just disengage right? Well maybe it's a good way to avoid harm to others, but it's a great way to harm ourselves.
Denying oneself the opportunity to truly connect on deep and intimate levels with others leads to self-isolation. Lessons still come, but it has this ability to put the weight of the world on our shoulders. No one can help, no one can know, this is my cross to bear. Well everyone has their own crosses to bear so to speak. We all have our own journey and that's a good thing. We're all here to learn and grow and have a human experience.
Perhaps this is why I've always been critical of the idea of a guru. What is a guru if not just another idealized version of something to never reach. I find a lot of comfort in the words of people like Ram Dass and Alan Watts or Terrance McKenna, but I refuse to deify them. They were just humans that had been on a journey and chose to share what they'd learned with others. Is it really all that different from what I do? I suppose not.
I'm sure I'll read back over this a few times in the coming days. My Virgo brain will probably try to break it down and find the flaws and incongruencies in what I wrote and then point out all the ways I contradict myself. That's okay though, I know I do. I'm on a journey and the destination isn't really the point. I'll get where I'm going when I'm ready to be there. Much love. Peace.
