I've always taken pride in being self aware, you know understand yourself and others, understanding where someone else is coming from, giving others grace, what propels people to take the action they do, considering how you can make life gentler for others. I always try to see the big picture, trying to see if there's more to it that meets the eye, you know, put myself in other people's shoes even, no matter how tight it is. I thought I was being a good person, empathetic even, I thought the more self-aware you are, the more emotionally mature you must be. Until one day, I realize i've become so good at understanding everyone else that I've stopped understanding myself.
Or worse...
abandoning yourself.
I used to wonder how thin is the line between being self aware and self abandonment. Because more often than not I'll excuse bad behavior with " they must be going through something", "well I should go easy on them, they must have had a bad day", well maybe they misunderstood and thought it was my fault" and as much as I should cut them grace, and as much as their actions affected me, they still hurt me too, their actions also caused me pain too, they should have also thought of me too. And I just been all in my head about this topic.
The more I thought about the more I realized something I really didn't think I could handle. Maybe I was not self aware and empathetic because I am a deep soul who feels things too deeply, maybe it was because I was afraid of setting boundaries, or misunderstanding them, or losing them, or even scared of confrontation. So I just continue to understand, while silencing my voice. Now it's one thing to to genuinely put yourself in another person shoes and it's another to do so, so overwhelming that you completely neglecting your own perspective or hurt.
But what thinking about this has made me realize is that you can also understand someone without erasing your own perspective, you can be empathetic to others and still be empathetic to you too. You can understand why someone lied and still decide you don't trust them.You can understand why someone lashed out and still acknowledge that their words hurt. You can have compassion for someone's struggles without volunteering to carry the consequences of them. Being understanding to others and being understanding to yourself aren't mutually exclusive, both can exist at the same time, one doesn't erase the other.
I've realized that self awareness can silently look like self abandonment, if you are only aware and understanding of other people's struggles and shortcomings and not yours. Because empathy can quickly look like self abandonment if you don't extend that empathy to yourself. Because you deserve the same understanding you give others.
It's Still Abeegail ✨💗
Just trying to love myself more.
The imges are mine
Thank you for Reading 😊