Ive written this story about my life and felt compelled to share:
The last time I was truly “single” was in college, other than for the week or few here and there in between different relationships.
Otherwise, I was out of one romantic relationship right into another.
Until yesterday, I hadn't even really looked at my relationship history to realize that for the past four or so years, I was more often than not, in a dating relationship.
Most were casual and light, as it has always been difficult to be my most authentic self and let others in.
But then, I found someone I could be 100% me with. This is one of the most beautiful experiences one could have.
We had seen each other’s best. And worst. We aligned in all of our values and what mattered the most. We had the same youthful spirit. We had a similar life path. And we cared about each other more than just about anything. The strength and depth of our bond is one that brought tears to our eyes, and we grew together tremendously.
Yet, we struggled with knowing if we are ready for a love this powerful. With believing that we are ready to mesh our lives. With being confident that we could keep our independence and not lose ourselves.
We wanted to make it work,
and we tried.
But it wasn’t yet the right time.
Even if it’s not what I consciously wanted, I believe father universe knows what will benefit me most at this stage in my life.
And for me, that is to regain confidence in my ability to be in a loving relationship with MY SELF and be just fine.
To really BE with my self.
To know my future and my dreams are MINE.
That they will not be colored by another's dreams and what they want in their life.
Though I wasn't "strong enough" to choose it for myself, I am affirming that I AM strong enough to stick with it (with the support of loved ones).
Additionally, I have given up my close relationship with a long-time confidant, Mary Jane. As of a week and a half ago,
I have determined that practicing meditation and flowga as a means of getting naturally high will serve me most. And it has been working.
Though it waxes and wanes, I had been feeling dependent on Mary and on having the affection and approval humans.
Universe declares: It's TIME for HEALING. We heal through our mourning.
I always valued my independence and admired it as a trait.
In college, I had begun to really blossom even though my life had lots of hardship.
I had a blast.
I was very active and involved in many organizations. I did well in school.
I ran a support and service group. I was in the choir. I volunteered. I felt on purpose. I had many friends, and so for the most part, I felt loved.
I felt independent and free. I didn’t really date.
I would go out by myself, explore and find adventures. I wasn't afraid to try new things. I didn't use "I don’t have someone to go with" as an excuse to not do things I wanted to do.
But since a little after college and my nomadic days in Athens, life has been harder than I would have imagined it to be.
The stark contrast with my values and how I live my life and compared to the rest of society was more evident.
Not following the "status quo."
Not adhering to what we've been conditioned to believe is "cool" or necessary for a successful life.
Not living the life like that of most of the people I knew.
Caring so much about our earth, about our collective health and freedom.
Desiring more than anything to feel connected to all that is. Connected to source. Creator. Elements. Spirit. The 5D.
Nature. Universe.
Call it what you will.
THAT which connects me with my blood sister who exists in the heavenly realm.
And carrying a deep longing for our world to be one of unity, love, and understanding .
And for ALL to be healed.
As cool as it may sound to be a rebel of society, my seemingly "outcast"
state of mind/being contributed to me feeling severely and paralyzingly insecure and down at times.
This was multiplied by not feeling heard. Not knowing how to use my voice. Feeling like i'm not having an influence.
*And a big one is subconsciously feeling like when people “don't give a shit” about mother nature, that they don't give a shit about me.
I AM THE EARTH.
As are you.
We are one.
So imagine how I allowed the neglect, the disrespect, and the abuse of our planet to make ME feel.
I associate with her.
Maybe too strongly to the point of feeling helplessness sometimes.
but It is evident that SHE IS NOT HELPLESS.
She is powerful.
SHE WILL SURVIVE AND SHE WILL THRIVE...
(Though we as a species may not if we don’t change our ways..)
And therefore, I AM NOT HELPLESS.
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
But, despite having tried so many years, I CANT DO THIS LIFE ALONE.
Together Everyone Achieves More!
It's so comforting to to know you have a partner/lover/SO
when you feel such deep emotions and have such strong stances. When you have experienced perceived loss of love and tragedy in your life. You want someone to relate. To "get" your pain.
But having some one else (human or plant) fill the void of your loneliness/emptiness can lead to unhealthy attachment. And they can never live up to your expectation and will fall short.
The relationship that matters THE MOST is the relationship I have with my self/creator/universe (it is one relation).
I don't need someone else's love to prove to me that i'm love-able. That I'm worthy. That I matter and that i'm heard.
And I don't need an outside source 🍁to help me experience my connectedness and alignment.
It's time I find that assurance in my self again.
Only when I accept and love myself can I extend that to unconditionally love another.
This new journey may be challenging for a bit, as life can be a struggle, but I know this is my path now.
I AM COMMITTING to this relationship
with my self/source.
On days when it will be hard to get myself out of bed, instead of being upset and mad at myself, I will have compassion and gentleness. As I did today.
As written in one of my songs from a few years ago,
“Only compassion for yourself and love for truth, will make you move...gotta be willing..to go there. Can’t give in to the fear.”
I wont stop seeking out more tribe who make me feel like this is home. I won't stop pursuing deep connections. I will not stop growing.
And I WILL NOT stop pursuing my dreams.
I am focused. I know why I am here.
It's been a long and bumpy road.
BUT I’M GONNA GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY.
