I woke up before everyone else and actually had a minute to myself -- which, already this is unheard of. So I decided to browse Facebook reels, and I came across one of a mother happily playing with her young daughter. The caption read, "I used to be all yellow."
The daughter had unfortunately passed away from cancer, at only 4-years-old... Doctors found a tumor in her brain, they could not try to safely remove it, and after only a few short months, she was gone...
Now, my feed is (unfortunately) full of grief like this. I never like to use the word "enjoy," but for lack of a better word, I do enjoy exposing myself to these things. I'm a very empathetic person, but naturally ever since becoming a mother, my calling is towards babies and young children.
So, again, I have been exposed to hundreds of videos of pregnancy, infant, child loss videos, but only 2 children have had a lasting impact on me; Luna is the third now. These videos always find me during a relevant place in my life... Not only is our oldest daughter 3-years old, the same age that Luna was diagnosed with cancer... but they have the same dress, and even wore during the same age as well...
I always take these children as reminders, to always be eternally grateful for what we have, that God knows the answers and is always with us. The videos continue to haunt me the second I am always from the noise and have a moment of peace to myself, the day before Luna left telling her mother, "Mom, I love you so much... I love you so much... But now I'm sad..." My heart aches as I grieve with this mother not because I am a mother, but because her grief is a testament to how much she loved her daughter...
So during moments like this, I try to be mindful of that. I know that God gave me this video -- all of these signs, for a reason. I know He is making me vulnerable in order to make my heart more open. And after a slight panic attack while picking up our kids' toys, I finally said, "Okay, God. Whatever it is you're trying to get me to hear -- I'm listening."
The family and I went to the park after that, nothing eventful took place... But on the walk back, something piqued my interest from out of the corner of my eye...
I looked down to see a statue, sitting in the snow outside of a boarded up building. As I took closer look, I observed that it was a statue of Joseph from the Nativity scene. Nobody was around. I knew this was a sign, I knew that it was meant for me... so I took him.
When Joseph appears in one's life, he is a reminder to trust in one's morals and faith, to trust in God's plan. Remember that the birth of Jesus tells us that Joseph did not want to be His father -- in fact, Joseph planned on leaving Mary. But once God told him the truth, Joseph obeyed His orders.
I do not know what God has planned, but I have always known that I was meant for something. I was never fully receptive to the idea; now, I am trying to be. In the meantime, I have plenty of time to grow and improve. God knows when I will be ready; He knows when it will be time.
