A couple of days ago I had emailed my father. He only lives half an hour away, and works in the same city as we do, but we very rarely see him. He isn't busy or anything, just... don't see him, for whatever reason! 馃槄 So I sent him a message, basically asking him if I could expect his support in a hypothetical situation. I will not try to paraphrase it; this is what he said:
Uhhhhhh, needless to say, I was a bit taken aback by his, um, choice words. I have a mental disorder so I need help from jumping to conclusions --
is my father basically blaming his choice to have children AKA me for how his miserable life turned out?
My parents divorced when I was 3-years-old, and up until I was 11, my mother had primary custody of me and my dad saw me every other weekend. My entire childhood, I had always acknowledged and appreciated the efforts my dad made as a single father, and I constantly tried to be perfect, to be as small and out-of-the-way as possible. The only time I had ever been a little shit was when I was 12 and kept begging him for a Golden Retriever, which he eventually did come through on, and granted I hadn't been the most appreciative because we owned the only aggressive Golden Retriever in all its history, that ended up passing away at only a year old, from cancer 馃檮馃槱
I received good grades, honour roll every year, the type of student who received "needs to participate more in class" from teachers. Never got into trouble, a hermit who stayed home. I eventually ended up moving out at 20. Since then, in the span of a decade, my dad has given me two large sums of money: one because he "felt bad that he was always giving my sister money and never me any," and that money went towards my first car that I owned for over several years. The second was to help us purchase a used RV, about $6,000, which is no laughing matter. Again, I've always recognized and valued the worth of money, and until I am in a position where I am able to do so, I can only continue to promise my dad that I will pay him back in time...
The fact that my father would rather send me to a homeless shelter in the heart of a dangerous city, knowing that I've been homeless and addicted once before, as opposed to giving me a place to stay in a home that he can comfortably afford... Just a place to stay for a few months! 馃槄 It's not like I'm my sister -- 32-years-old and expecting my dad to feed me -- which he did for the entire 5 years that she lived there! But because they had a shitty time, and because he chose to give into my sister and exhaust himself housing her, there's never anything left for me, and I'm kicked to the curb each time? I had to ask my father, "What did I do to you that was so terrible that you would rather see me living downtown at a shelter, than safe at home with you?"
I think what bothers me the most is the "stop smoking pot and turn your life around" bit. Within the span of 5 years, I have: escaped from an abusive relationship -- he literally tried choking me to death one night --, quit smoking crack cold turkey entirely on my own and have been clean almost 4 years since, found a man who tries to understand me, had 2 healthy children together, recently went through a miscarriage last month, and purchased an RV that will allow us to make our dreams come true. Aside from that, I've been working since the age of 19, at some very strenuous positions, such as a package handler at FedEx.
And it takes two people to make a relationship work. I acknowledge that my dad is an emotionally distant parent, that he grew up in a generation that believes being a parent means getting your kids to 18 and -- done. But my dad knows I struggle with a mental disorder -- he's been victim to it countless times -- so why can't he acknowledge me and, I dunno, be more sensitive? choose his words more carefully? He also has two grandchildren that he has hardly ever seen, because he's more concerned with only meeting his wants.
Anyway, to end this all off, I ended up saying some very hurtful things to my father. I'm grateful for everything he's done, that he parented to the best of his abilities, but I cannot continue to have my heart broken for absolutely no reason... If he believes that his responsibility as a parent ends once we're out of home, then why have a relationship at all? I might regret some of my words, but I won't regret my decision. I deserve to have my accomplishments acknowledged; I deserve better than this...