I found this photo of myself. It may not seem like much; in fact, it might even seem a bit strange! But for me, this one picture encapsulates the entirety of my childhood.
The year is 2008. I am 13-years-old, in the seventh grade. I am sitting in the backseat of my Nana's car, backpack in lap, waiting to be driven home. No coat on, despite the obvious signs of winter outside, because my Nana's 2006 Chevrolet Impala is impeccable at heating up. My sister, the photographer, with her thumb in the shot, highlighting the highly flawed early digital cameras. A gray sky, indicating that it is probably the wee hours of the day, when in reality, it is probably only 4PM!
This moment is the epitome of my childhood.
When I think back on it, this era -- the mid-2000s -- were a very troubling part of my life. At that time, I was heavily struggling with my mental health. For the first time in my life, at the young age of 13, I faced clinical depression and anxiety attacks.
My primary worry was always about school -- school schOOL SCHOOL!! 😵💫 It was the strangest phenomena: at home, I was constantly dreading the thought of school, only to feel completely at ease at school, just to immediately go home and dread the thought all over again. This unforgiving cycle went on for several months, even ruining my end of elementary school trip to Quebec. It became so bad that my Dad began to question if I wasn't happy at home.
The two things I had never had in my life were control and structure, and so I desperately tried to create those things for myself through routine. Every day after school, I would walk to my Nana's house down the street; if she wasn't home, I would make the 3km walk to my own house. Immediately upon arrival, I would pull out my homework. It didn't matter how little, or which subjects -- I could not enjoy ANYTHING until that burden was finished first. Many people used to praise my studious nature, not realizing the inner turmoil I constantly dealt with...
Sometimes my Aunt would make me a tasty salmon wrap while I worked (because, on top of everything else, I was also a vegetarian/technically pescatarian, during this time). My Nana and Aunt would also watch The Young and The Restless, every day, 4:30 on the dot, recorded and all! 😄 I could never be driven home until it was over, and sometimes I would watch just to poke fun at the overly dramatic situations and theatrics. Other times, I would go down into the basement to type out stories on my Aunt's Windows '97 computer. There was no internet, so Solitaire was another great selection to choose from.
Afterwards, my Nana would finally drive me home, and I would spend the rest of the evening watching TV with my Dad, going on the computer with my sister, or playing video games downstairs.
Although this was an extremely depressing and confusing period of my life, in a very strange way, it taught me to appreciate all of the little comforts in life. Predictable family members, a warm softly lit room, snow slowly falling from the sky, life before being bombarded by social media, cuddling under a huge blanket on the couch, watching a favorite movie or TV show, relating to sad music, gazing up at an endless sky, wondering if my crush liked me back, singing songs at the top of my lungs, excited for the future of possibilities...
I am thankful to no longer be in such a dark place, but also appreciative for everything that it taught me. Looking back on this photo, I don't focus on the emotional turmoil I endured. Rather, I am able to look back on it and truly realize just how safe I truly was. I was extremely fortunate to have had the home environment -- the family -- that I did while growing up. I only wish that I had been able to enjoy it more...
