Today, I'm over 2 years sober (give or take a few months). Early on in my sobriety I decided to do a 90/90, 90 meetings in 90 days. I was looking back at some of the writing I did during that time. I wanted to share this posting from a very pivotal point in my life.
June 12th, 2015
I had a lot of nervous energy today, anxiety mixed with restlessness. The thought of staying sober, the realization of how important it is to live a life of successful recovery. I get nervous about failure, I failed so many times. It's like I'm climbing the face of a cliff and every time I look down, my head spins, my heart jumps. I'm reminded of my fear of heights, the fear of loosing my grip and falling to my death. Cold sweat. Racing pulse.
The speaker today chose gratitude. He just celebrated his 70th birthday. He spoke about how grateful he was that he didn't loose everything. He was able to spend time with his daughters, with his grand children. None of this would have happened if he chose to keep drinking.
I'm at that point in my life where I must choose one of two paths. I can choose health, happiness, serenity and enlightenment. Or I can choose to drift away into the oblivion of addiction. Drinking or smoking or taking pills, never filling the emptiness. The choice seems obvious but addiction is a cunning enemy dressed like an angel waving for you to come closer. It lures you in as if nothing could possibly go wrong, then when the time is right, it strikes you down. Your fingers slip and you plummet down onto the rocky hillside.
It's my turn to talk. I remind myself of everything that I have to be grateful for: a wife and child, a family, a job, a home, etc. When I focus in on that, the nervousness seems to dissipate. It's easier to handle. Ultimately I need to be grateful for me, accept myself and be confident in who I am. There's no sense in climbing if you doubt yourself. It's the power of the mind manifesting our reality. If you see yourself falling and you focus on that, chances are you're going to fall.
I need to believe that the higher I climb, the wider my horizon gets. My consciousness expands and I get a much more encompassing view of creation. Gratitude is my safety rope, by carabiner and my harness. When I get tired and overwhelmed, I can anchor down and just dangle for a short while. I don't have to tumble to my death.
Climbing still takes work, so does gratitude. The things you are grateful for require attention and upkeep. But it is so worth it when you take it all in, and it is better knowing I can rest in gratitude as I continue my journey upward.
