My name is Andrés and this is a summary of my love history and lessons learned along the way:
It all starts back with Cristina. I have mentioned her before in a #weekend-engament activity about having a dinner with someone. I also made a #openmic entry dedicated to her. And why not? She's my childhood unrequited love. Or should I have said platonic? The fact is that the little time I shared with her during kindergarten and some years of Elementary opened myself to the idea of love outside the filial category. I also must admit it created fixation over Italian girls, light-colored eyes, and other features. But those are not important. I still have some contact with her, however, is not like I want to be in her life. Idealizations of people tend to break easily when reality strikes. Take it as the faithful are harmed more than anything by the objects of their own faith.
My first relationship wouldn’t be until I was 16, during my preparation for college. The name of the girl was María Salomé. And she was also of Italian descent. But she shared none of the features mentioned above. This love was as most first loves are. Intense, passionate, and short-lived. Thanks to the deities for that. It came in the right time to show me the importance of communication. It was also a long-distance relationship for a while. And I learned that once this changes, more things need to change in the relationship for it to last. However, it was also a time for artistic development. She did some amazing art. Maybe she’s making NFT art right now. And I was writing left and right. It has been the only time in a relationship when I have had this drive to write. But you’ll see what happens to that in a moment. We went to the same college but had not gotten a hold on how to be together without the distance. It ended badly for both of us. Later, I would come to know that I was the other guy in the relationship. This come by hand of a friend that was very honest. She came one day to tell me about Salome's long-term relationship with some other guy and how I was pictured as a bad guy. So, lesson about communication learned and internalized. This also comes to show that popular sayings tend to be true sometimes. The saying we have is amor de lejos, amor the pendejo (long-distance love is a fool's errand, yes this is putting it nicely, but I wanted it to sound more metaphoric).
With this first relationship crashed and a lot to learn, I spent 3 years without any kind of relationship nor dating. In this time, I moved back to Cumaná and changed college. Then, during my second semester I meat a girl named Paola and started dating. She was very forward. To the point when she beat me to the question. Yes, she asked me "when are you going to ask me if I want to be your girlfriend? Forget it! I'll do it..." And it was sort of formalized. It was cool for a time. She was very honest about not caring about my writing. She writes herself. So, she didn’t want anything to do with poetic endeavors. However, she got me back into reading fiction and writing it. And after we broke up, I had the most prolific reading streak of my life. I think the numbers are in 1000 short stories and 15 novels. One can do lots when a relationship ends. This one didn’t last more than a month. But she fell ill, and it ended as easy as it had started. I still don't what happened; she wouldn't tell. However, I know she's had a history of dealing with her mental health and other issues. I won't go with more details. This was short-lived. And I've been trying to get a lesson out of this for years. The best thing I can do is taking time to meet the person before you formalize a relationship.
For a time after this, I went on dating and dating and dating. From all these episodes, I learn what things I like, and which are a big no no. I was also very upfront about the things I wanted to do. And if I wanted to date a certain girl, I went up to her and told her that. Some laugh, and others said no. It helped to boost my confidence. Thing that got me through my college years as easy as it could be. It was the time of discoveries. There were some bad things along the way. However, this showed me that the kind of person I was becoming could be interesting to girls. I also received compliments from guys. Which I still find funny. And hasn't stopped. I mean I like the flattery, but that's not my, uhm… jam.
Then, it came the time of my longest relationship so far. And this one came in two tries. Enter Verónica. When I first started dating her, she was cold and thoughtful, sarcastic and witty. She was very different from all the girls I had dated. We broke up because I was a dick. But we kept being friends afterwards. Then, friends with benefits. Then we came back together the year before the pandemic. We had the chance to live and work together. And from this we learned about the whole lot of things we don't like about each other. At some point, she put all this blame on me about getting her back on this horse and stuff. But I had to talk her down about one issue. In 5 years, we couldn't move away from each other. This finally put an end to this coming back and back and back. Living with someone is the best way to know a person completely. And even if all ended bad, I'm glad we did it and had the chance to experience all the good things that happened there.
So, what are the high points of this experience? Remember the stuff I said about her at the beginning. Well, I was able to see Verónica shed this mask and embrace the things she was hiding. I saw her when she was must vulnerable and helped her through. Communication was still a big issue, but we did take a step forward on it. She also saw me in my worst. Losing my temper with things are breaking some stuff. At some point she was afraid I might hit her. And this needs some explaining. I have this tendency of raising my hands when I yell. It doesn't mean anything. I talk a lot with my hands. Almost like I'm Italian. And she used to say things like “that’s how women beaters start”. That would get me even angrier, and I would tear some paper, throw books to the floor, or yell more. But it got me thinking about this fact. I try to keep my cool. But when I can’t, I have to let flow me until the moment it’s gone. Sometimes I take walks or lay down for a moment. During one of these temper surges, I remember cooling down and telling her “I’m more afraid about hurting myself than hurting somebody else”.
Over these years and experiences, I have had the chance to love and be loved back. Hurt and be hurt. It has given me a little understanding of the things I like and the things one must do to sustain a relationship. When I think of all this, I come back to realize there’s something important in letter I wrote for a Love Letter contest quite some time ago. Love is about the little daily things. It’s the opportunity to share your freedom with someone else. This idea hasn’t gone away from mind. But as I stand today, there’s still a long way to go before I can reach that point. However, in the time that has passed since my last relationship ended, I’ve learned to stop hiding the things that must be said. Anger issues have been managed peacefully. And I’ve been working on the important stuff. The betterment of the self to be my best with others. There’s lots of things to work. But understand what needs to be worked is half the ordeal. Thus, I can’t be a BAE nor have one, yet. But there’s hope in the future. A time where I’ll be there with my all to learn, share and respect with someone. And before there’s no one else, I need a chance to be a better version for myself.
