“I wasn't competing with anyone, yet somehow, I was already in a competition.”

Have you ever been so close to someone that you never imagined they could be secretly competing with you?
Well, I have.

Back in college, I once lived with someone I considered a friend. We shared the same space, saw each other almost every day, and naturally, I thought we were on the same side.
I have shared the story about her here before.

I didn't know I had a silent competitor living with me.

The funny thing is, I didn't even notice it at first.

I was simply being myself, going about my lectures and living my life. I wasn't looking at her as a competitor, so it never occurred to me that she might be looking at me that way.

Then one day, someone, an acquaintance she had said something to about me called me and pointed something out.
At first, I was surprised.

I remember thinking, "Are you sure?"

Because when you're inside a friendship, you don't always see what an outsider can see from a distance.

But after that conversation, I started paying attention.

Not in a suspicious way, but I started reading the patterns.

And then, so many things began to make sense.

I realized that she was silently in competition with me.

She had a way of talking down on me, making comments that were designed to make me feel less of myself. And when I wasn't around, she had no problem badmouthing me.

There was a time she told her church members that came visiting not to talk to me, that she didn't bring them over to have a conversation with me.

And I was like; from where to where?
About slandering?

Oh, she was good at it.

She could tell a story in such a way that you would almost begin wondering if you were actually the problem.

And that was probably the part that hurt the most.

Because it wasn't coming from a stranger.

It was coming from someone I lived with and considered a friend.

The more I observed, the more I understood that jealousy doesn't always look like someone openly saying, "I don't want you to succeed."

Sometimes it looks like someone who cannot genuinely celebrate you.

Sometimes it sounds like unnecessary comparison.

Sometimes it's the constant attempt to make you feel small.

Sometimes it's what they say about you when you're not in the room.

And sometimes, it's a competition that you didn't even know you were participating in.

So, how did I deal with it?

Honestly, I didn't confront her with a dramatic "I know you're jealous of me" conversation.

By the time I understood what was happening, I became more careful.
I stopped sharing my little wins with her.

And there is something I've learned since then:
You don't have to win a competition you never entered.
If someone has decided to compete with you silently, let them.
You don't have to run faster because they are running beside you.
Eventually, the friendship didn't survive the situation. Though she apologized to me and tried to crawl back. But the door was already closed.

Though I understand that not every disagreement is jealousy.
Not every friend who doesn't celebrate you loudly is jealous.

But when you consistently notice belittling, unhealthy comparison, gossip, sabotage, or an inability to be happy for you, then you may need to take a step back.

You can have an honest conversation if you believe the relationship is worth saving. In my own case I didn't have to.

My experience taught me something I haven't forgotten:
Be careful who you allow close enough to know your plans, your weaknesses and your dreams.

Not everyone who calls themselves your friend is happy to see you grow.

And sometimes, the person quietly competing with you is the least person you would suspect.

Thanks reading my blog today.