Its a good day to take it easy, I always think this before I step out and into the weird world. A part of me feels scared of the dangers that could potentially harm me but as much as I try to pretend I'm weak, perhaps I am indeed tougher than I give myself credit for.
It all started from my childhood, as a kid, I never really accepted the things around me. Its not a matter of fitting in, I wasn't an outcast or something of that nature. I was more of a free thinker, living outwardly as a normal kid but at the same time, living in a completely different world in my head. A lot of kids of course had this but my conversations and play dates with other kids made me understand that there was something wrong with me or them. I'm very self critical, so I naturally felt I was the problem.
Take my society and its expectations from kids for example. I never liked the things they expected kids to like, I lived within the bounds but I waged a mental war in my subconscious that prevented me from clinging to the preordained dogma. Religion is a big deal in my part of the world, in the southern part of Nigeria, there are many Christians while in the North, its Muslim dominated. I grew up in the South, so I was born into a Christian family, therefore constrained to accept Jesus as my Lord and personal Saviour. As much as I was resistant to the teachings, some of it inevitably seeped into my subconscious as a result of the regular beating in of "illumination" into my head. Even as a kid growing up in this circumstance, I never quite accepted these teachings and till date I mentally rebel but due to the political climate in Nigeria, it is important to identify with a sect. So I identify as a Christian.
The point is, my mentally of always mentally challenging things without actually doing anything has gotten me to where I am today. Certain times, I think its good but on other days, I swear I feel really exhausted. Its the dividend of a free thinker, caged by society and cursed to shuttle between two worlds till I pass on.