To keep burning.

Sunday! Engagement time! Happy anniversary to the concept!

I would've loved to write about this quote, as it is so true. And in a way, I will, as I chose this topic this time:

What has been your biggest health challenge (your own personal health) and how has it effected your life?

I was thinking about Topic 3., but Hive account@kristabel123 (who's a great example on how reading can mature you even at young age) beat me to it and wrote basically everything I would've said. And I hate it when people repeat what others said, so in order to be coherent, here I go.

22 months ago.

That's when I detected the first signs of burn-out. Nothing had worked out the way it was supposed to. Yes, I had taken back control over the bakery as my administrator had gone back to Germany in February 2023. And I made many changes, business was strong, everyone was making a lot of money. But also many mistakes. Being careless with small matters, leading to bigger and bigger problems which they left for me to solve. Which I did. I carried them all.

My time with Lily was being affected. She was living a 16h bus ride away then and those travels, though replenishing the heart, drained the physical and mental energy. I had to be constantly available on cellphone, there was a call for some bullshit each day. That reduced the quality of our time. She didn't hold it against me.

I started drinking more. I started working out more. I forgot to eat, or ate unregularly. I didn't sleep well. Anxiety attacks followed, first just the heart racing and slight panic, but it grew worse. I lost so much weight. I started to injure myself at the gym frequently. I got sick way too often, either a cold or stomach, and not being able to work for a few days added fuel to the fire, as I had to catch up.

My brother arrived by surprise in December. He just appeared. He got worried from our talks, and he knew the situation, had just gotten out of it. We went on trips together, among them Galapagos, which was just amazing, both the nature as well as how we bonded again. We were always quite close, but that trip was a milestone.

I hit rock bottom a week after. It started with helping my brother to buy a car here, which is an ordeal. 2 days of bureaucracy. I had my theoratical drivers test on Wednesday to renew my license. On Thursday morning I got a call, the oven broke. I spent 16h that day trying to get that fixed, couldn't so I bought a new one to not lose production. Luckily, I had the cash. In the evening I got a text that my flight to Cuenca was cancelled, where I was supposed to go to a friend's wedding with my girlfriend. I had to go by bus. Instead of leaving Friday evening, I had to leave by noon. The new oven wasn't installed correctly, so I had to fix that. I was will working on the bus. Arrived in Cuenca at 4am, took a cab to my gf's hotel, slept for 3h. I had forgotten the trousers of my suit, so I had to use the jeans that I had traveled with. The wedding was great, the hangover wasn't.

It wasn't just a hangover from alcohol. It was a hangover from life. From everything I was doing wrong. How I constantly put others before me. How I gave so much, and everyone took happily, but when I told them that I was about to break, they didn't even raise an eyebrow, didn't even try to do better - which would've been just doing their jobs right. Nothing more.

That was also my biggest disappointment. Giving so much and realizing that it's not reciprocal, that when I was drowning, none of those I helped gave a hand. They gave a high five.

I changed both. I finally comprehended "You can't help others if you're not well." I always understood the words, now I felt them. I started meditating. I started to eat more regularly. I started taking supplements. I stopped drinking for a month. I stopped watching Netflix, and listened to podcasts instead, mainly "Philosophize This!"

I withdrew from many responsibilities that weren't essential to Lily, me, or maintaining the business. I hired an administrator who started in March 2024, and in May/June 2024 I was able to go to Germany, taking Lily for the first time.

I started reading again. Byung-Chol Han's "The Burnout Society" changed my life. It made me understand so many things about myself. The book is not the easiest read and somewhat redundant, but the main arguments just spoke so much to me. I read it twice within a few days.

I started to have voice-message-conversations with Hive account@socraticmthd , and together we went down the rabbit-hole of our selves, discovering so much about who we were - through the weird dialogue of answering whenever there's time to speak, sometimes days after receiving the last message. Taking time to think before answering. No instant opinion. No superficiality. Though being 10,000 km apart, it's the most profound friendship I ever had.

In the end, I found my self. I found my values, was able to renovate me. There was much to fix, much incoherence to re-wire, and some hypocrisies to demolish. Now, I don't have to paint over anything anymore, to stay in the metaphor. No make-up needed, no fake. There's still work to do, of course. It never ends, fortunately.

Finding myself cured me. It was the final pieces of the puzzle. It improved my decision making. It improved me setting limits. I still help many people, but I don't sacrifice myself anymore (with few emergency exceptions). I'm still generous, but also to myself.

It was necessary, I see that now. I could've listened to early signs and avoided it, but I didn't so it had to be rock bottom. I'm grateful for it. And I was lucky, very lucky, as I made it out without meds or psychiatric facilities.

I keep burning, but in a sustainable way.