This is not a choice. I need to write. I need to get it out. I already meditated. I already ate. I already walked. I already breathed so much that my lungs are in panic for the sudden relieve on their work pensum. I already drank a couple of beer. I sat down and watched a football game. I enjoyed the sunshine. It just doesn’t cut it.
One of those days?
I’m not sure. There’s a wide range of possibilities why I feel the way I do. The continuous overdose of human error. Yes, it’s human, I know, I realize, I feel, I’m SO aware of that. But it just doesn’t stop. It’s not only the perpetual imperative of having to deal with them. It’s the not being able to pull out. That’s what I feel today. That if I’m not constantly supervising every detail, the spiral will go downwards. Inevitably.
I hate to feel that way.
Not being able to work as a team. I supervise a part, you the other, we supervise each other and so on. That’s usually the way everything prospers. But there are always times like these when all the individual problems come together at once, and the everyone pulls the string towards themselves because they have to in order to maintain sanity, and the one in the middle gets torn apart.
Am I presumptuous?
It’s a pleasury guilt. When everything is okay, I’m good being a nexus. A relay. I even enjoy it sometimes, the importance, the esteem. But right now, I just want to be left alone. I want to be able to just not bother, and not be bothered. And I tell people that. And they don’t listen. They just don’t. “The contacts are in the CC. Please communicate directly with each other for greater chance of success!” Answer to me only: “Do you think they could…?”
*WHAT THE ACTUAL F!”
That’s what makes people get tired of doing favors. I get it. It’s scary to talk to other people in a society as fragmented as ours. It’s so much easier to send a proxy. Stupid me for caring. Stupid me for trying to get people to do it anyway, because getting used to genuinely communicate to each other again is the only way to de-fragment everything. Huh. Just remembered the Windows Defragmentation tool. What pleasure it was to see all those colorful squares blink and move around and be moved around for 12h and in the end, it all seemed to much more organized! Didn’t do any good to the speed of the OS, but hey, it felt like doing something.
Nothing works anyway.
That’s how I feel today. I did it all. And I still feel miserable. I ranted, here, writing. I’m half drunk by now. Going to cut it, it’s not worth it. Going to make some music later, though I might just not feel like it. They would survive without me.
I’ll go on another walk now.
Something has to work. Eventually. If not now, maybe later, or tomorrow. Or whenever. The bad moments are fundamental for the good ones. They’re not Balrogs. They shall pass.
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