An image of myself
Why do we feel guilty when we choose ourselves? I do ask my self that particular question
Or is it that because we have been taught to believe that being a good person means always being available and ready to be of help...
Maybe because we are afraid of disappointing people or because we have become so used to putting other people's needs before ours that choosing ourselves suddenly feels selfish and we are afraid that when we stop doing everything for people, they will stop loving, appreciating, or needing us.
Yes, I know this feeling, because I used to be a people pleaser while displeasing myself
If you asked me to do something for you, I would hardly think about myself first, I would just do it.
Even if I am sick and you asked me to cook for you, I would struggle to get up and do it, like I wouldn't want to give you an excuse. I would push myself because I didn't want to disappoint you, while feeling weak
In most cases, I would discomfort myself just to make someone else feel comfortable.
You could ask me for my last cash, and I would give it to you, then I could go hungry for days, wondering what I was going to eat.
I just wanted people to feel good, wanted to help and to be a person that people could depend on.
But while I was busy making everyone else okay, I wasn't okay. My shoulder struggled with pains cause of the weight of people that leaned on it
I was struggling mentally as well, cause of thinking of how to please more people, always on a constant thought about what to do and what my next step would be, yet I was still putting myself out there for other people. And when I was the one who needed someone, nobody came.
That was when I realized I had not learned how to set boundaries.
I then discovered that, I was afraid of disappointing people, what if I didn't meet their expectations?
What if I couldn't do what they wanted?
What if saying no made them see me differently and not value me
So I started learning to choose myself.
And honestly, I still feel guilty sometimes, especially when someone needs help and all i have, is my last money, and someone needs it, and I start thinking, What if they really need it? What if I don't help them? But then I also have to ask myself, What will I eat? And how will I get to work tomorrow? What will happen to me?
I am learning that choosing myself doesn't mean I don't care about others, it doesn't mean I have become selfish. It means that I can be kind without abandoning myself and I can help people without putting myself in a difficult position.
Maybe choosing yourself feels guilty at first because you are doing something you were never used to doing.
But in a long run, it teaches you that, you really matter
And sometimes, choosing yourself is simply giving yourself the same kindness you have always given to everyone else.
Selah....