I always felt different, ever since I was a child, even more so during adolescence, and that often forced me to defend myself and made me stronger.
I often said, and still say today, that I am a weirdo and the black sheep of the family, and I always say that I am an alien. Since I was a child, I didn't know who I looked like, and I don't mean physically. I haven't felt different in that sense, not because of my skin colour, or because I'm skinny or fat, but because of my thoughts, feelings and values.
As a child, I was very thin, so much so that people thought I was a ballet dancer. In reality, it was because there wasn't much to eat. I ate, but I was always at my minimum weight and taking vitamins. Maybe I did feel different, especially at school because I was poor. It was a religious, Catholic, all-girls school, where there were many wealthy families. I was given a scholarship, so values prevailed in that case, but the girls were very cruel. Even so, although I couldn't buy the necessary books and had to borrow them, it didn't affect me that much.
But I did feel different at home. I'm not like anyone else in the sense that I'm affectionate, I speak kindly, I don't raise my voice, I like hugs and displays of love. There was none of that at home. And I always felt that I was the odd one out, that if the other person didn't want a hug, then I had to hold back. It hurt me a lot not to be able to show affection when I had so much to give.
In that sense, I have changed and only show that affection to those who are similar to me. I think that because I was rejected so much, it hurts me less now. But being so emotional, rejection and the lack of affection hurt me a lot. I had to change myself to suffer less. I became stronger, but inside I am the same as always, the one who likes to give big hugs and lots of kisses. I know who I am and I give it to the right people, to those I feel like giving it to.
I have also felt different all my life because of other things. I was the good teenager, with values, I studied a lot, there was no reason to complain about me, my family or my teachers, but it made me different from the rest of my classmates and friends. The reason was that I felt very grown up at the age of 12. And I didn't go through that stage of rebellion and doing crazy things. So I looked at all the other girls and didn't understand, for example, their behaviour, which was normal for their age. The things in life made me mature at a very young age.
I was always shy and introverted, I spoke very little and that made me different too. Over time that changed and I was able to improve and express myself, but it took me a long time.
Today, as an adult, I often feel different, different from society in general, which walks like a herd in one direction, while I believe that the right path is the opposite. Different in values, such as respect, education, good speech, good writing, responsibility, effort, perseverance and so many other things.
Different in my way of seeing reality, the truth, in my way of thinking, as if only a small group of people were like me, because I see truths that others do not see, even though they are right in front of their noses, but they are a herd, they have no critical sense of their own, they only believe in what is commonly accepted. But I don't care, I know that my values are strong and deeply rooted and that they are what have made me the woman I am today, a fighter.
I accept myself as I am from the outset and I trust myself, and all these differences have forged me with strength, joy and a lot of positivity. I am different, and I love myself deeply.
Amonet.
All photographs are my own.
Used translator Deepl.com free version.
