Inside The Mind of a Self-Loathing Person

Low self-esteem, anorexic tendencies, guilt, the feeling of inadequacy, - I seemed to tick all the items under the self-loath checklist. The self-help section are piled up with so many books on self-love and confidence and even if they all make total sense, my brain doesn't have a switch button to just snap me out of my thinking frame.

The truth is, self-loathing did not rule over my thought process 24/7. I could still function and socialize like everyone else but I could remember living each day with regular dose of self-contempt. They are more like episodes triggered by either external factors or just merely self-imposed toxicity.

A seemingly inconsequential event can crank up my brain to enumerate all the things I hate about myself. These thoughts could keep me still on my bed for hours in the morning absolutely dispassionate about things that used to excite me. The thing about self-loathing is that they don't have to make sense - that's why it's so hard to acknowledge it's a problem, much more opening up to someone else. Mind you, I wasn't so bad myself- I used to get compliments about being smart, hardworking, pretty, fit -but these were just validations that give fleeting sense of self-worth. At the end of the day, I still saw myself defeated by self-loathing.

Have you ever met that someone whose genes are just naturally fashioned to possess the talents and attributes you wish you had as if she was born to live your ideal life? Isn't she annoying?

Even if you're my close friend or my cousin, you are not safe from being a subject of my envy. The earliest memory I had about this feeling was when I wished I had my cousin's face. She was always admired for being pretty. I grew up seeing her on the spotlight - at the school we used to go together, at family gatherings and among our common friends. She was getting attention and I wasn't - that's when I first had the feeling of discontent about my physical appearance.

Going back to how I grew up behind the spotlight as I watch my cousin being admired for her physical attributes, I was always told by my mom stuff like "she's pretty, but you are smarter". I knew she meant well, but it gave birth to an unhealthy bedrock for self-worth. From then on I thought that I have be on the honor list and keep my straight A's because otherwise I'm worthless.

I graduated valedictorian in Elementary and was in high honors in High School (with a sharp pain in the heart for not making it to Top 1). I held on to the thought that I am smart until Chemical Engineering hit me a hard jab on the face. Suddenly, I was surrounded by smarter friends at Uni while there I was, struggling just to get an average grade in Thermodynamics. I realized, "hey, maybe I really am not smart...OH FUCK."

_{My College Inner Circle - Also the smartest people I know}

The feeling of inadequacy hit me hard when I was in college. I tried, but never made it to the dean's list. I tried to redeem myself by topping the National Board Exam - still, I failed. I finished my degree and acquired my professional license unable to tame the inner voice that tells me I am not enough"

I overworked and I was very hungry for achievement as soon as I graduated. It was an all or nothing way of thinking for me - "I will succeed in this or I'll be a total loser forever".

The desire to achieve things was not a problem - but what drives my endeavors was. Instead of genuinely enjoy what I do, I was working hard because of intense internal pressure I imposed upon myself. It was an attempt to compensate my perceived inadequacy. The Result? I never get things done which then intensifies my self-loathing. It was a downward spiral to blackhole.

My droopy eyes, my round face, my flat ass, -there's nothing I can do about the features I hated about myself. But hey, at least I can work on my body, right?. I started working out and watched for my diet but took a very unhealthy path. I did cardio for 3 hours, 6 times a day and was eating under 900 calories. I lost a lot of weight and some friends started to freak out - I never listened. I could remember being 46 kg (I'm currently 54-ish kilos) and still think I was fat. I ended up having difficulty to focus, I developed insomnia and frequent mood swings caused by my messed-up hormones.

The fact that I can now acknowledge how self-loath is manifested in my thought processes and how I carried it with me throughout my life tells me that I am in a better place now. There is still a constant battle in overcoming these tendencies, but somehow, it isn't as bad as it used to be. Perhaps I matured over time and I started to accept my self. I couldn't identify a single solution that snapped me out of this problem. It was a combination of my desire to be better, learning from people who know better and getting help from my love ones.

My Transport Phenomena professor used to say "A properly defined problem, is a problem half solved". This is true in every engineering exam. It's easy to size a pipe when you make the right assumptions, you identified the resistance of flow, you have a good picture of the current set-up and you know what is the desired outcome. However in real life practice, another truth unfolds- you can never improve an underperforming piping system if you don't recognize that it needs resizing in the first place.

It's hard to make sense of the distorted image that I have painted upon myself when I hear other people saying otherwise. Perhaps it's also because I tend to deal with matters all by myself instead of reaching out to others. That's why it was so hard to be honest to myself.

Sometimes, we need to open up and allow others to see things for us, only then we can realize that we have a problem. When this problem is pointed out to us through whatever means, understand that it does not define us, and like other problems, it can be solved.

As cliché as it sounds, it's pretty damn solid. The shitty news in life is that we can't choose where we are born, our parents, our genetic make up and the people we are surrounded with as a child.

Looking back to my childhood, I didn't have low self esteem. I was confident back then -even thought I can be "anything I want to be". I believed my mom when she said I'm pretty. I realized, I never really ever compared my self to anyone until someone did - and this was the pilot episode of a life time series of insecurities and envy towards others.

I started looking myself as flawed because some else decided that I am. This is not to transfer blame to others but it gave me a better perspective of how I developed this habit of comparing myself to others. It's helpful to take grip of the idea that my insecurities isn't something I was born with and thus something I can totally live without. I was born with imperfections, but not with self-loathing. I have to coexist with people, I cannot just shut everyone down just because they threaten my self-esteem.

I still compare myself with others. But I am more aware of my feelings and I learned to challenge my thoughts. I started asking myself how I can emulate a successful person's positive behaviors and habits than just feeling envious and not do anything about it.

Contrary to common advice, positive self-talk never worked for me. I found it hard to believe self pep-talks like "You can do it" or, "you have what it takes". A positive mantra never muted the negative voices.

But here's a thing, I trust in data - data don't lie. A data-driven approach to improving my self-esteem worked well for me. How can I convince my self that I have what it takes to compete in an Aerial Sports competition? How can I be confident that I won't screw up? Well, how many hours did I spend practicing? Out of X number of practice runs, how many times did I nail it? This information gives me confidence and thus improve my self-esteem. Identifying what it takes to achieve something and focusing on the efforts I put into it mutes that inner voices that tells me I can't do it.

This approach also lessens my tendency to blame myself or be guilty if I don't succeed. Instead of seeing myself as a mistake, I turn to questioning my methods and asking how I could improve them. Being honest to yourself is about stepping back, see things objectively, instead being ruled by emotions and distorted, predetermined self-image.

I was still in my anorexic phase when I discovered my love for pole dancing. I fell so in love with it that I wanted to improve so badly. The sport required power, strength and endurance- things that are impossible if I don't feed my body well. I focused on becoming stronger and becoming more flexible instead of just being in a certain weight. Because I starved my body for months, it's first reaction was to store up fat when I started eating. This initially freaked me out. But being surrounded by supportive women helped me deal with the changes that I saw in my body. When I started to see improvement in my skills from my hard work, I really started to accept and love my body and everything it can do.

The truth about overcoming my self-loathing is that it isn't a straight line upwards. There are pullbacks, series of high's and low's even side ways trend where I think I can be no where better.

The way I know I am improving is that the voices in my head occur less frequently, I can manage my emotions better and I learned to challenge my negative thoughts as soon as they kick in.
In working to be our better selves, what's important is that we have "higher high's and higher low's". And if ever we stumble and towards a down trend, as long as we have "strong fundamentals"- that is, our desire to be better and solid support from our friends; we will still find our way upward.

How do you react with self-loathing voices in your head, if you have one? When was the last time you really started dealing on you self-issues? Let me know.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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