It's so warm. It’s the same as usual. she held a cup of coffee every evening. But her feelings and thoughts are not always the same. One day she will be grinning like an idiot while imagining stuff that will never happen in real life and the other day she'll be angry over reality and some really close people who refuse to understand her.
The fear that blossomed inside her as a kid, that made her shut up when she felt opinions melt on her tongue, has made people around her honor her parents for the upbringing they provided. As if showing respect for other people is something they deserve to take credit for. As if she didn’t spend hours alone in the room reflecting over the word, using every power in her body to unclear all their hatred.
It’s like a punch in the face every time someone claims she had a nice upbringing, every time someone expresses how nice she’s been raised - as if she didn’t spend her childhood acting like an adult. she loves her parents, and she always will. she has so much to be grateful for. But she refuses to listen to nonsense telling her that the silence she carries is a sign of good parenting. If she had the strength to stand up for herself and her opinions, if she had the courage to tell people to fuck off once in a while, respectfully of course. she wouldn’t even hesitate. But she does hesitate. So she shut her mouth, paint a perfect smile, and pretend to be the little innocent girl that her parents raised her to be.
she is grateful to her parents for raising her, she is grateful for the sacrifices they made for her. But they failed to save her. They failed to save her childhood. They failed to give her advice as a parent when she was on the wrong path. They choose to be men and women, not parents. The funny part is they also failed in that.
She doesn’t like to be afraid. She doesn’t like the feeling of hovering over her every time she hears the same name which plays a role in ruining her childhood. She doesn't like the way her body reacts, and how her sorrow pushes itself up to her throat. She doesn't like the feeling of suffocating, the feeling of not being able to breathe. she hate looking around, terrified that someone will see the reaction she was having to that name.
She doesn't like the way her hands start to shake and how her mind can't seem to block out every bad memory she carries of that name.
But still, her parents choose to forget these trivial things like it's normal to face.
The father failed to protect his daughter from his own family and the mother failed to protect her daughter’s dignity.
And now they don’t even want to understand her and refuse to see where she is standing.
Still, she thinks she has the perfect family, though sometimes it's really hard to breathe in this so-called family.