There is a singular darkness
that exists for me
in my hometown in winter
not the mere absence of the sun
the velvet depth of the night
stars don’t even shine
a special cold settles in
the car heater doesn’t compete
I’m reminded of the cold vinyl seats of my youth
winter mornings
when I was so excited to have been given the honor
of starting the car to warm it up
But there is no warmth
driving dark back roads
disheveled strings of Christmas lights
break the monotony
but instead of instilling
warmth
connection
closeness
I feel even more lonely
In these moments
I touch the blackness of death
the absence of
light
life
warmth
I’m engulfed by its infinite depth
the horrible fear I feel
at the future of nothingness
I shake violently
scream
explode
tears stream
I punch the roof of my car
Irrationally consider
driving off of the road into a tree
embrace the inevitable
