There were a few days that turned into night because I totally missed them and just didn't sleep. I obsessed about all the garbage that was swirling around in my head (which I will not bore you with). My vision went blurry. I felt poorly for a while, ate badly. Felt worse. Then I started to train my focus onto my writing- PhD proposal for doctorate application and my manuscript. Bit better. The thing that's helped the most is having a laugh. There's somebody who just cracks me up and he's been a godsend because he just MADE ME LAUGH. And how brilliant is that. Watching garbage TV has been quite good. A shot of alcohol some days didn't hurt. But talking about it didn't really help - perpetuated the thoughts. It did, however, make me aware that I was on a loop and has helped me to organise my thoughts a bit. Talking is a risk, I feel, because of the possibility of alienating friends by being boring. Boringness is one of the worst things in the spectrum of polite offences you can really commit. I mean, isn't it?
The 'break up' or rather my realisation of how sad and uncertain of myself (,as I constantly questioned my worth and qualities,) that relationship made me, has made me re-assess myself: the way I present myself (which will not yet change cos I can't be bothered nor can afford. I'll be staying a little scruffy thing a bit longer), my sense of self-value, and identity. I feel quite bored of myself now, and like I need change. I don't know quite what but need to make sure it's positive. I usually change my body when I start to feel like this and there's always a bit of me that niggles and wants to get really thin. But the last time I did that it wasn't pretty (anorexia usually doesn't look cute and it's massively boring-not recommended).
I think when you get a Tower situation in your life (ref. to Tarot as you will know) it makes you re-assess everything and then, inevitably there's the clear out of all the garbage you don't need from your life that was part of the thing that's gone. I seem to be attracting into my life more supportive elements. Men-supportive, friendships. I'm liking their energy at the minute. One of my favourites keeps eating out and has been sending me pictures of the exotic Indian desserts he's been having on business meets and regaling me with complaints of his subsequent male pregnancy and threats of Shakira renditions to best demonstrate the belly he's been busy developing, for my consideration. Nice, right?
Things not yet tried: youtube cat videos, comedy, films, having fun, getting healthy.
Things tried: funny boys, productive endeavours unrelated to boys, ice cream.
The moments of laughs and other things all have an edge to them. There's a bit of a bite behind everything. While I'm busy doing other things, it often feels like I've forgotten something that's a bit bad-something that makes my chest feel funny but I can't think quite what it is and then I remember. But I'm still downloading-working through it. Thinking it over seems to make it lose its power-all the thoughts about what happened, the implications of those events, the way I feel about myself: they morph in my consciousness, dissipate. Ultimately, when you're feeling a bit sh*t, any sort of ridiculousness... just helps, doesn't it.
