He used to ask me, 'how much do you love me?' to which I'd reply, 'WAY too much.' I laughed a bit, but I meant it. I mean, there just was this push/pull, all the time, between us. If I needed him, I'd not see him for dust. It was just the kiss of death. But if I started to get a bit too hurt, a bit too disappointed and begin to let him go, he'd feel it and come back to me all sweetness and smiles and wanting to see me. If another man came onto my radar and started getting too close to me (and I mean, platonic intimacy-it was the intimacy he seemed to pick up on), he felt it. And he'd want to be sure to reconnect and regain my undivided attention. It was like being his little pet kittycat and fed treats to keep me from eating and getting petted by the people next door. Lingerie and the obvious stuff would've really made no difference. I knew I couldn't make him want me more by doing or thinking things to do with wanting him to want me more. But the thing that did seem to make him want me was to not care too much.
Thinking about this made me consider relationships in my history. I always was the one who didn't much want. And the men in my life wanted me too much and it made me want to withdraw. The more they wanted me, the less interested in them I'd be. I was always the one in control and looking back, I guess I picked men who I didn't find too attractive. The risk of rejection by having something to lose otherwise, would've been far too high. Picking unlikely men was much less complicated. Problems started when I started to want because then, I was a whisker away from need. And it's need that seems to be the tricky thing. People, in my experience, generally find neediness deeply unattractive and really scary.
I was reading something a while ago about desire and what makes people desirable to their partners. It said that the one of the things that made somebody desirable was seeing that significant other really shine, independently and in their own right. Like, public speaking and really sparkling, socially. It seemed to focus on the idea of being sought after by other people in some way or publicly admired. It was about being empowered. Neediness was definitely nowhere in the mix. It had a lot more to do with independence, and being observed. The partner was an independent element, but this recognition of an other-than-self was linked to awareness of attachment between the couple, so that there was a sense of pride to be with that person while they shone in their own light.
