This is from my Substack, which I want to promote in case Hive has issues or something.
In 2021 or 2022, I came out as bi online. While getting dinner, I met a guy at the eatery. I thought he was just being friendly. A common autism trait is that non-verbal cues are difficult to decode. Hence why I assumed the guy was being friendly.
And unless you specifically say you like me, I’ll have no idea. It wasn’t until he kept asking for my number that he was genuinely into me. I tried to be into him; I couldn’t. I thought I was asexual when he wanted to have sex with me when I barely knew him. Honestly, I can't tell you where I got the impression people wait a year after knowing each other before sleeping with each other. Maybe because I grew up religious, where they only believe in sex with your spouse.
I thought it was strange for someone to want to sleep with someone they only knew for a week. While I didn’t pick up on the hints due to being autistic, it could be a mix of both.
After this, I identified as asexual, a sex replused ace. That is when I realized beyond my bubble was a whole lot of stuff. I wonder what reaction I would have gotten if I said "ew" when he admitted to wanting to sleep with me.
Back in May, I caught the eye of a dude at Culver’s. I've seen him for about a year or so.
I thought he just wanted to be friends at first.
After knowing me for 2 days, he implied feelings of wanting to have sex with me. I didn’t like him like that. After telling him I wasn’t into that, he unfollowed me on Instagram because I didn’t want to sleep with him. I felt as if men are only interested in me if they want sex. Down for several days, I felt as if men are only interested if they think I’ll sleep with them. Also, when I thought a train was coming only for it to tie down (the crew had finished their shift and were waiting for another crew), I’m a train spotter; a man flagged me down to ask for my phone number. While I thought men were strange wanting a stranger’s phone number, I wasn’t into them to begin with.
An older photo of me.
I tried to have a crush on a dude who liked me when I was in Jr. High and high school, but I couldn’t feel the chemistry. I tried to like the dude at the eatery and the burger place. What I thought was liking men was liking their appearance. You can like someone's suit or dress. I thought I was into men simply because I thought they were handsome, and thinking a man is handsome means wanting to date them. When given a real-life chance, I wasn’t into him. I just thought their suit or watch (whatever they had on) fit their aesthetic.
Especially once the implications of wanting to sleep with me arose. The guy I met in 2022 implied wanting to sleep with me when he called me in the middle of the night begging me to come to his house; I was too autistic to pick up on the clues until he spelled it out. What a coming out post; I realized I wasn’t into men when they wanted to sleep with me. Originally, I thought I was bisexual and a sex-repulsed asexual and demiromantic, where a bond is needed for romantic attraction.
I felt like men just saw me as a sex object. At least before I started thinking if I was truly into these men in the first place.
When at the doctor’s office, I had to take a pregnancy test before X-rays or a procedure; I was annoyed because I had zero interest in having sex with men, which is why I was so annoyed by the protocol. Maybe that’s it. I wasn’t into doing it with men.
The sooner I realized I wasn’t into men, the better I felt. Feeling low because I couldn’t meet a man who didn’t want sex right away, thinking both eatery guys were weirdos for wanting to sleep with someone they just met when I wasn’t into men.
my substack
